Life's Soundtrack

What is it about music that resonates with our souls? I think one reason is that, if only for a brief moment, it reminds us that there is a bigger harmony taking place behind the scenes of our lives. Music gives everything a context; it somehow blends together a mix of notes and noises to form a melodious work of art. I think deep down this is what we are secretly all hoping is true of our lives… that somehow all of these random, painful, and sometimes glorious pieces are really just parts of a greater ensemble. But how often it seems that the rhythm which composes the soundtrack of our lives is rudely interrupted by piercing notes of off-beat instruments. The empty thud of our heart when the unexpected death of a loved one touches us. The deafening buzz of another monotonous week behind cubicle walls. The blaring pitch of loneliness as another relationship ends in non-commitment. The dull hum of daily obligation and routine.

But what if we began to recognize these “off-beat instruments,” which we perceive as interrupting or insignificant, as parts of the whole melody being composed? It would free us from having to compartmentalize our lives into isolated noises. And even beyond that, what if we were to be intimately acquainted with the Composer of it all? I think only then could we truly begin to see the forest for the trees; to hear the soundtrack for the first time. And as we fall in love with the Composer and begin to trust more and more that His composition is Good, we begin to see each instrument as an instrument of purpose in our lives. And what was once noise becomes melody that continues to build until The Day we will hear with perfect clarity.

The Holiday Dichotomy

What is it about the Holiday season that blurs the line between hope and despair? I think the Holidays remind us of some greater good, some bigger story, of which we all long to be a part. There is a sense of belonging that takes place during the holiday season because everyone around us is experiencing it too. Our normal routine run to the neighborhood coffee shop up the street for our morning latte ends with the Barista bidding us well with "have a great holiday." There is a buzz in the air that's celebrated in displays of lights on rooftops and window sill greetings. But this corporate sense of belonging quickly fades to feelings of isolation when we return home to an empty house with latte in hand. Being with our families presents the same incongruities. We fill up houses with familiar strangers and the depression mounts. The principle of feeling most alone in a crowded room applies here. The holidays are filled with contradictions which surface the deeper questions we have in life and leave us wondering how to resolve the merriment we’re suppose to feel with the reality of what we actually feel.

We sing about "Joy to the World" and face the realities of yet another year of dysfunctional conversations/interactions over turkey and eggnog, yet another year of unrequited love, and yet another year of resolutions to replace the ones that failed from last New Year’s Eve. How do we reconcile the joy of this season with the realities we face? How can we enJOY our time with the familiar faces we call family? And even beyond that, how can we begin to resolve the deeper questions of purpose which the holidays have a way surfacing?

I propose gratitude is the answer. Gratitude is what saves us from lives centered on accumulation and frees us to live lives centered on giving. Until our hearts are filled with gratitude and contentment, our lives will be defined by incessant and unmet desires that leave us incapable of truly engaging in the present. Gratitude keeps us from living in a world of fantasy but instead allows us to deal with life as it is, not as we would have it. But a new morning dawns along with the day’s To-Do list and we hurriedly rush out the door inundated already with thoughts of what all has to get done. Somewhere between OUR agenda for the day and the holiday-laden billboards we pass on our way, with perfectly air-brushed bodies sipping on eggnog (which doesn’t seem to pose any threat to their metabolisms) and perfectly marketed products appealing to our constant thirst for more, any sense of gratitude is lost. It’s quickly replaced by a sense of discontent and striving and the joy and contentedness of lives as blessed as ours somehow get overlooked and buried beneath a pile of receipts and shopping bags.
Then a nationally declared holiday rolls around forcing us to take a day (if that) to reflect on all we have to be thankful for. Families hold hands for a brief moment and say prayers of thankfulness for blessings and circumstances that are “better off” than most of the world. And while yes it is important to remember the “less fortunate”, gratitude is not a matter of comparison. We are not to be thankful merely because of what we have versus what “they” don’t. Genuine gratitude is not the result of circumstance which makes it available to all people no matter their social status, ethnicity, education level, life stage, or age. Genuine gratitude is a heart attitude rooted in purpose that transcends all boundaries and is often experienced more by those who have the least in a materialistic sense. In my travels overseas I have experienced first-hand the unrestricted nature of gratitude—from the lively hearts of Chinese missionaries who face daily persecution to the generous lives of Mexican church clergy living in shacks yet giving of their income to better their societies.

And like these men and women who personify gratitude, as purpose in our lives begins to fade the discontentment our lives begin to look more like theirs and less like the cultural norm. Purpose is the driving force of gratitude and keeps us from searching for life in things that will only leave us empty. Purpose is what allows us to reconcile the incongruities of the holidays and in life. Purpose is what allows us to engage with our dysfunctional families without spiraling into depression.

I experienced the blessedness of living with purpose most clearly last New Year.
I stood by in the snow waving goodbye as the charter bus rolled away taking with it the 60 high school students I had just spent the week with in Breckenridge, CO. I must admit that I was relieved a little that I would be hopping on a plane ALONE in a couple of days. But on return to the condo we had been staying in, still containing teenage remnants, I was a little saddened by their sudden absence. Just the night before we celebrated the New Year with worship, sharing our hearts, praying for each other, and later on a little dance party and ice cream! No champagne, no glamour, no midnight kiss, no alcohol-dependent “fun”… but yet, one of the best New Years’ Eves I have ever had! I didn’t wake up the next morning with regret or a headache, but instead with such a full heart. The week spent serving students and living life beside them… encouraging, exhorting, loving, correcting, disciplining, and leading… reminded me once again of the life and abundance that results from the choice to die to ourselves and live with purpose. The momentary pleasure of the world pales in comparison to the lasting richness I experienced that week. And it’s that purpose I want to hang on to each day. It’s a purpose that I find rooted in the grace of Jesus Christ.

J-O-Y

A friend sent me this a while back. I think it is a great expression of what most of us probably feel when we think of "JOY". I know in my own life this fruit as well as the rest (love, peace, patience, kindness, etc) are often bitter to taste b/c their growth into lush, edible sweetness is often hindered by me living life on my terms. Control is the enemy of joy... may I give up, let go and find freedom in the resulting joy which is manifested.

Read below from John Eldredge



Dear Friends:
A few years ago a woman with a sensitive spirit and a keen eye for what God is up to pulled me aside to offer this warning: “The battle in your life is against your joy.” It hit me like a Mac truck. But of course. Suddenly, life made sense. The hassles. The battles. The disappointments. The losses. The resignation. Why hadn’t I seen it before? I mean, I face a lot of different skirmishes day to day, but now the diabolical plot behind them all came into view. I began to see how the enemy was first trying to take away all joy from my life. Wear me down. Then, weary and thirsty, I would be most vulnerable to some counterfeit joy.

It would start with mild addictions, then build to something worse. Her observation became a revelation became a rescue. The smoke alarm sounding off before the house goes up in flames. For several days the whole world made sense in light of joy. But in the day-to-day grind of the ensuing months, all that clarity slipped away. Completely. Joy as a category seemed...irrelevant. Nice, but unessential. Like owning a hot tub. And distant, too. The hot tub is in Fiji. Wouldn’t it be nice. Ain’t going to happen. Life’s not really about Joy. I’ve got all this stuff that has to get done. The mail is stacking up and I haven’t paid the bills in two months. The “fix engine” light came on in the Honda. Joy? Life’s about surviving, maybe a little pleasure. That’s what seemed true.

Really now – how much do you think about joy? Do you see it as essential to your life, something God insists on?

I was thinking of a great day I had summer before last. Sam, Blaine and I rode our horses together up through the woods. The sunlight was filtering down through the aspens as we followed an old game trail we’d never taken before. Our golden retriever Scout was running on ahead of us. The horses seemed to be enjoying it as much as we were. It was cool under the canopy of aspens. Quiet. Timeless. In the evening, Blaine and I took the canoe over to a high mountain reservoir fed by a beautiful rushing stream. We paddled about a half mile from the put-in back to the inlet. The trout were rising. Not another soul was around. For an hour we caught rainbows on dry flies, surrounded by mountains, the rushing inlet the only sound of the evening. On the way home we saw a fox, and a porcupine. It was an incredible day. One of those rare and glorious days that become, over time, the icon of summer vacation in our memories.

So–why didn’t I wake with a joyful heart the next day? Joy was just here. Where did it go? I feel like I met a stranger on an airplane. And we clicked. We swapped some stories, had a few drinks, laughed together. Then I drove home to an empty house. Its like that. I had an encounter with joy. It touched a longing. Now I begin to realize I haven’t even given ten minutes to joy, let alone pursued it as essential to my life. It has to do with agreements I’ve made without even knowing it. By “agreement” I mean those subtle convictions we come to, or assent to, or give way to. It happens down deep in our souls where our real beliefs about life are formed. Something or someone whispers to us, Life is never going to turn out the way you’d hoped, or, Nobody’s going to come through, or, God has forsaken you. And something in us responds with, That’s true. We make an agreement with it. A conviction is formed. It seems so reasonable. I think we come to more of our beliefs in this way than maybe any other. Subtle agreements. Anyhow, I begin to realize that what I’ve done for most of my life is resign myself to this idea: I’m really to going to have any lasting joy. And from that resignation gone on to try and find what I could have. Now to be fair, joy isn’t exactly falling from the sky these days. We don’t go out to gather it each morning like manna. It’s hard to come by. Joy seems more elusive than winning the lottery. We don’t like to think about it much, because it hurts to allow ourselves to feel how much we long for joy, and how seldom it drops by. But joy is the point. I know it is. God says that joy is our strength: “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). I think, My strength!? I don’t even think of it as my occasional boost. But yes, now that I give it some thought, I can see that when I have felt joy I have felt more alive than any other time in my life.

Pull up a memory of one of your best moments. The day at the beach. You’re eighth birthday. Remember what you felt like. Now – think what life would be like if you felt like that on a regular basis. Maybe that’s what being strengthened by joy feels like. It would be good. I take up a concordance, and begin to read a bit on joy. “My heart leaps with joy” (Psalm 28:7). When was the last time my heart leapt with joy? I don’t even remember. “You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound” (Psalm 4:7). I believe him. I believe God does this. I just can’t say I really know firsthand what he’s talking about. I turn to the Gospels. What does Jesus have to say about joy? “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:11). “Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete (John 16:24). Joy complete? The full measure of His joy? That’s what He wants for us?!! I’m almost stunned. I can’t believe it’s come down to joy. It’s so obvious now, and yet, it makes me really uncomfortable. Joy is such a tender thing, I think we resent it. We avoid it, because it feels too vulnerable to allow ourselves to admit the joy we long for but do not have. But I now this – I know we were meant for joy, and I know I can’t continue to live with only occasional sips of it. I found myself praying, Jesus, I have no idea where to go from here. But I invite you in. Bring me all the joy you have for me. Help me to see it when it comes. Help me not to resign myself to surviving. Restore my joy.

For your joy as well,
John Eldredge
Ransomed Heart Ministries

I Heart Jesus... and Business

Since college I think the faint question I've been wrestling with is "how do I combine business and missions?" That faint question has evolved into a loud vision which the Lord has orchestrated one piece at a time. And I am slowly learning to trust Him with the plans for my life and that He somehow is going to unite my heart for Jesus, my passion for business, and my love of the coffee industry into one big beautiful mess.

This is an excerpt from the CAM International website. It explains with more clarity what I am hoping to do in the coffee world:

"Entrepreneurialism, kingdom business, microenterprise development, Great Commission companies, missional corporations... No matter what name you give it, doing business as mission is a movement gaining momentum worldwide. Business men and women, field missionaries with business mindsets, and national leaders with a foot in the business world are increasingly involved in economic development by creating jobs through businesses. In some cases large scale ventures are launched, with potential to influence entire cities and regions."

The traditionally black and white division between ministry as sacred and business as secular has intentionally, blurring lines. Mike Baer, in his book Business as Mission, challenges the reader to “imagine what could happen if every Christian businessperson recognized that God had a purpose for their company greater than profit, employment, or customer satisfaction. Imagine if the vast number of believing business owners and operators turned their companies over to God to use for His glory. Imagine the power and joy of integrating business and faith for God’s kingdom. Think of the financial, technological, and human resources that would come into play. Think of the ways in which entire societies could be transformed for Christ.”

In God is at Work, Ken Eldred defines kingdom business as a “for-profit venture designed to facilitate God’s transformation of people and nations.” He also defines the key players in this movement as kingdom business professionals, or individuals who are “authentic, skilled business people who use their talents to further the worldwide mission of the Church through kingdom business.”

The Business as Mission strategy not only provides new channels for recruitment and the potential expansion of ministries. It also helps develop infrastructure (especially in economically poor Central America) as part of a supportive foundation upon which we can more easily accomplish global vision (i.e. training, empowering, and sending). Business as Mission can also be a supportive part of holistic ministry and outreach, which is not only biblical, but also has strong potential to enhance the ongoing viability and sustainability of continued involvement in CAM's historic fields.

Here are just some of the many available resources to learn more about the growing Business as Mission movement:
· Business as Mission, by Mike Baer. YWAM Publishing, 2006.
· God is at Work, by Ken Eldred. Regal Books, 2005.
· Great Commission Companies, by Steve Rundle and Tom Steffen. IVP, 2003.
· http://www.businessasmission.blogspot.com/, a B.A.M. resource blog
· www.kingdomcatalyst.org, an October 2007 B.A.M. conference in North Texas

The evolution of Thanks

I feel overwhelmed today and in light of Thanksgiving, a brief moment of reflection helps me to see that my the attitude of my heart is anything but thankful. How sad for me. For gratitude is so central to this faith I claim, and when it seems non-existent I must stop and question.

I think for me, gratitude is most often hindered by a false perception of myself. It's this cycle that begins with the internal pressure of performance informing who I am. And then sin & life happen and of course I fail to uphold some standard by which I am measuring myself. Then it is a spiral downward of guilt, shame, and an overwhelming sense that I have nothing to offer. I would like to believe Truth in these moments but the lies seem to be the louder reality. Mind you, this entire cycle can occur within a matter of minutes.

So where is the hope? How do I break out of the cycle? The Holy Spirit grabs my hand and leads me to repentence and gratitude. Then it all becomes clear again... the fog is lifted and I am reminded of the depth of Grace. It is all about Him... and my best moments of worship are when I most fully "get" this simple, yet profound Truth.

Oh, Lord forgive me for my pride... for exchanging Your Truth for lies & minimizing the Grace by which I am covered. I hang my head in shame and the entire time, You've been there trying to lift it up and to free me from self-dependent morality.

And as the sun comes beaming through the clouds of my heart, slowly my focus transitions from me to You. At first You are blurry and I can't make sense of it all, but increasingly your Spirit corrects my vision to see You for who You are. It is a breath-taking sight and now all I can do is praise You. And I don't need the excuse of a national holiday to do so.

I give you thanks Lord:
--- that you have taken this broken vessel and made it a house of Your Spirit... for I am eternally unworthy
--- that you have blessed me with friends that love me where I am at but enough not to leave me there
--- that you redeemed me from the pit & gave me a new name
--- that you are Healer and you are healing me from insecurity, past hurt, addiction, and a false view of myself
--- that you lead me to Life
--- that you are completely worthy of trust b/c you are infallible... incapable of failing me
--- that you are slowly shaping the way I love others by your love for me
--- that you formed me with your hands
--- that you bless me so I can experience the blessing of giving
--- that your patience always outlasts my rebellion
--- that your characteristics are indescribable
--- that your plan for my life is best
--- that you pursue me as if there were no others
--- that your kindness leads me to repentence
--- that you give gifts to your children
--- that you allow us to experience glimpses of True beauty
--- that you use us as part of the plot in eachother's lives
--- that you are wrapping everything up in the culmination of your return
--- that we will experience you face to face

May God use a nationally declared holiday to draw us near and may we take time to stop & reflect on matters more than just "pumpkin or pecan".

Kiva

Okay, so we do all this talking about how we want to invest in global initiatives... here is y'alls chance to back that up. Go to Kiva.org

Kiva is a microlending (microfinancing) site which connects people like us to people around the globe who are being proactive in making a living, supporting their families, and trying to break the cycle of poverty.

Here in the grand ole capitalistic society we live in, a monkey could start a business. I say that not to minimize the hard work involved in starting a business.... I am WELL aware of the degree to which "sweat equity" can involve more than just sweat... but I say that to make a point that there are so many resources available to the entrepreneurially-minded here in America. We have: "Start-ups for Dummies" and a slew of literature and step-by-step websites, venture capitalists, small business loans, angel investor groups, government grants, heck.... even friends/family.

But in alot of countries around the world, there are no resources to turn to. That's why we can play a critical role in people's lives who are fighting back underneath the weight of disadvantage and poverty. May we be God's hands to help lighten the load.

"Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can "sponsor a business" and help the world's working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you've sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back."

"We partner with organizations all over the world
Kiva partners with existing microfinance institutions. In doing so, we gain access to outstanding entrepreneurs from impoverished communities world-wide. Our partners are experts in choosing qualified borrowers. That said, they are usually short on funds. Through Kiva.org, our partners upload their borrower profiles directly to the site so you can lend to them."

So go to the website: http://www.kiva.org/
Read the stories
Make a difference... it's amazing how far $50 goes in Azerbaijan.

It's HIS money... ask Him what He wants you to do with it? Just a gut feeling that you're not going to hear "hoard it & build a home in Highland Park". No, in fact, I surmise that the conversation might go a bit like this:

US: "Jesus... I love you SO much and want to follow your will for my life. What shall I do?"

Jesus: "You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'"

US: "All these I have kept."

Jesus: "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

US: silence... hmmm, self, whatever does He mean? Surely He can't mean sell my stock, my SUV..... lump.... swallow

See also: Luke 18:18-23 The Story of The Rich Young Ruler

It is the heart matter Jesus is getting to here... he reveals with poignancy the things that we tie our hearts to... which in turn tie us down. I see this not as a legalistic command... but more of a plea from Jesus for us to find life. He desperately wants to rescue us from the empty-ended pursuit of wealth, status, and material possession. I don't think He is saying those things are "bad" in and of themselves... they become "bad" when they are the end-all. Bad for us and bad for others. The more we cling to them the more we stockpile... only to take none of it to the grave. Give it away is Jesus' model and my prayer is that the mentality will increasingly govern my life. Hmmmm... stockpile and take none of it with us. OR give it away & have a stockpile of heavenly treasure awaiting.

I think I'll wait for the treasure.

i heart coffee

I sat down to chat with a friend regarding the coffee industry yesterday and we watched a piece of http://www.blackgoldmovie.com/ . His reply was "yeah, but you could start to question every industry... the jeans you wear for instance" and so on and so on. I was disappointed that the poignancy of the message seemed to bounce right off his heart.

Isn't that what we should be doing... questioning? Yeah, it can be a bit overwhelming when you start to actually think about your purchases before you make them (revolutionary concept), but as consumers of 1/4 of the world's wealth we have a choice: we can either continue to be a source of bitterness and resentment as the gap only widens b/w the rich & the poor and the poor become more aware of it (through modern technology) --OR-- we can conside what we have a blessing and use it to in turn bless others.

While you digest, I'm going to return to the topic of the coffee industry. If you, like most Americans, are guilty of sipping your daily $5 latte from the green monster without any regard as to the sweat, blood, and tears on the other side of the coffee inside... you might enjoy http://www.blackgoldmovie.com/. Heck, that may even be you in the movie.

I've seen this movie a dozen times and while I have refined where I spend my discretionary income... I still feel very helpless in alot of ways. As I stand on the edge of hopefully opening my own shop(s) in the near future, my heart is to connect with growers/ farmers all over the world. But where to start? http://www.growersfirst.org/ is a great initiative and they have been very helpful.

In any case... just questions tonight and really too much blabbering b/c I'm tired and need to be working on my business plan.

peace, love, and coffee beans

Shallow-een

Even our very own Dallas Morning News reports today that "movies and television are once again driving the sales of naughty Halloween costumes". The article states that a recent national survey reflects Dallas to be one of the top ten most sex-saturated cities. And halloween (or Shalloween, whichever you prefer) is just another excuse for the women [and men] of Dallas to justify their lack of discretion.

With the masses so willing & eager to spend ridiculous money for a one-day facade, it seems to me that Halloween is representative of a few cultural conclusions:
1. the definition of Sex and what is "sexy" has been polluted, minimized, demoralized, and exploited
2. we are an increasingly insecure society in search of anything to give us an identity (if just for a day)
3. Hollywood sets the standards by which people live their lives
4. the Devil has successfully blinded us to the reality of the battle we are in by convincing us that his existence is imaginary, fictional, and even comical

I could go on, but I really don't want to waste any more time on this over-rated "holiday". To all the ladies out there,remember that how you get a guy is how you are going to keep him. After tonight, he'll just move on to the next best costume.

be yourself. be real.

peace in Jesus

The Hunt Continues and Insanity Ensues

I had a bit of a melt-down last night. I think the combination of this 4-week lingering chest cold, debt that I desperately want to pay off, the ambiguity of my job situation, sleep depravity, wanting and at the same time not wanting to be swept off my feet in love, and the seemingly endless coffee dream pursuit all piled up in one tearful mess. I'm thankful for friends that are unafraid to approach the messiness with me & yet not leave me there with some pat answer of human consolation or short-lived philosophical phrase of the day... but instead point me always to the Cross of Christ which reminds me of Truth & doesn't demand that life is "happy" but instead takes life as it is and provides a ray of hope amidst the mess. Praise.

The Sport of Job Hunting

I'm beginning to understand why they call it "job hunting." It's a very accurate term for all the waiting and watching for that seemingly one shot. But what I am beginning to discover is that as I am disciplined to pursue the various avenues before me, God is so good to open and close doors as He sees fit. It's when I take things into my own hands and try to force timing or force an opportunity or even force what I think is the "best fit" for me, that I end up frustrated in this silly sport.

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." How comforting to know that as I am diligent to seek a job, the Lord is guiding me to where I will best be used and grown. And how thankful I am that the One who knows me better than I will ever know myself is the One who is guiding where my next step falls. But only in trusting in His provision do I get to experience the blessedness of it. And that is something I fight. My tendency is to see this job transition as a problem to solve rather than a reason to draw close my Lord. And each day I wake up and face the fears of this transition I have a choice: to trust in myself and "conquer" in my own strength -OR- to trust in my God and experience His strength. The former brings only frustration b/c all plans I make are sure to fail or dissappoint when my hope is in them... leaving me weak. The latter brings only peace amidst circumstance b/c even if my plans fail, my hope is in the Lord's provision... which leaves me strong to continue to fight the battle at hand.

Today I choose to trust Him. Tomorrow might be another battle of wills, but at least for this moment I say that I want what He wants and am willing to wait for that.

I think something the Lord is ever so gently showing me right now is that He doesn't want me to settle for what is comfortable and easy. There are a few job opportunities that I could snag up b/c the pay is decent and they are immediate. But I feel like the Lord is saying "wait". Wait for what, I wonder? Maybe He wants me to dive back into my heart... to where my desires, passions, and giftings are, and see what I come up with. I want to be where I will experience growth and where I will be challenged. Where is that place? Is it a whole new field that I haven't even considered?

My prayer for this season is that the Lord would unravel the creative side of me that I know is there but that I am often fearful to explore. Will my new job help me to discover these creative parts of me? I don't know but I hope so.

to write or not to write

At the risk of sounding repetitive, it has been far too long since I last posted. A true reflection that busyness has slowly crept in again and stolen the precious moments I spend writing. When will I make time for writing, I ask myself? Maybe once I'm old and retired and perhaps a bit less of a procrastinator. It's a sad thought, for I dearly love to write but somehow minutes turn into days and days into weeks and weeks into months, and before you know it I've lost all inspiration to write.

I heard a professional writer once say that "you can't wait for the moments of inspiration, you just have to write." There will be times when the writing flows easily when the keyboard becomes a piano of melody as your fingers dance across the keys. And then there are times (probably more frequent than the former) when the writing seems a bit less harmonious and the sounds coming from your keyboard resemble two-fingered "chopsticks". Which is more of where I find myself today.

All of that to say, I just need to suck it up and write. Not when I feel like it, but b/c I enjoy writing and on some occasions, I think I'm actually pretty decent at it. So the lesson here (preaching to myself) is that sometimes in order for something inspired to triumph, I have to forge through the uninspired. Much like in daily life. Sometimes, most of the time, in order for God's Love to be felt in my heart, I must first forge through the routine of today with faith & belief held close. I believe though I do not see... I have faith though I do not always feel. And the incredible happens on occasion when head and heart align and I FEEL all that I know to be true. And the hope I have is that one day all will be perfectly aligned... never again disjointed by this sin-stained earth suit I wear. Ah, I can't wait for that day!

Singleness Defined

It's been far too long since I've written, which sadly is a reflection of poor priorities lately on my part. Writing, for me, is such a litmus test of where my heart is. When I'm dealing with stuff in my own strength, writing ceases in my life. When I'm trusting the Lord in the season of life I find myself in, my writing amplifies. One can conclude, therefore, that my trust lately has been more centered around my narrow human understanding & emotional instability than on my Heavenly Father who's plans for me are Good & consistent despite my inability to believe this in the midst of circumstances that, to me, seem adverse to trusting Him.

Amongst other things I find myself wrestling with right now, I'd have to say that singleness is at the top of the list somewhere... some days #3 on the list, some days #1.... but it usually always makes at least the Top 10.

In order to express with accuracy where I am at, I'm going to allow the words of someone much more eloquent than I to speak to us here. Her synopsis of The Christian Single Life is not only hilarious but so right on... I could not have said it better. Paige Benton expresses so well the conclusions I have come to in my own life:

Singled Out by God for Good. by Paige Benton
"Had I any vague premonition of my present plight when I was six, I would have demanded that Stephen Herbison (incontestably the catch of the second grade) put his marriage proposal into writing and have it notarized. I do want this piece to be practical, so to all you first-graders: Carpe Diem.
Over the past several years I have perfected the artistry of escape regarding any singles functions-cookouts, conferences, Sunday school classes, and my personal favorite, putt-putt. My avoidance mechanism is triggered not so much by a lack of patience with such activities as it is by a lack of stomach for the pervasive attitudes. Thoreau insists that most men lead lives of quiet desperation; I insist that many singles lead lives of loud aggravation. Being immersed in singles can be like finding yourself in the midst of "The Whiners" of 1980's Saturday Night Live - it gives a whole new meaning to "pity party."
Much has been written in Christian circles about singleness. The objective is usually either to chide the married population for their misunderstanding and segregationism or to empathize with the unmarried population as they bear the cross of "Plan B" for the Christian life, bolstered only by the consolation prizes of innumerable sermons and 1 Corinthians 7 and the fact that you can cut your toenails in bed. Yet singles, like all believers, need scriptural critique and instruction seasoned by sober grace, not condolences and putt-putt accompanied with pious platitudes.
John Calvin’s secret to sanctification is the interaction of the knowledge of God and knowledge of self. Singles, like all other sinners, typically dismiss the first element of the formula, and therein lies the root of all identity crises. It is not that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that life has no tragedy like our God ignored. Every problem is a theological problem, and the habitual discontent of us singles is no exception.
Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of His person – not an attitude but an attribute.
I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corningware. Is God being any less good to me than He is to her? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me because God cannot be less good to me. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of His children. God can no more live in me apart from the perfect fullness of His goodness and grace than I can live in Nashville and not be white. If He fluctuated one quark in His goodness, He would cease to be God.
Warped theology is at the heart of attempts to “explain” singleness:
“As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, He’ll bring someone special into your life” – as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment
“You’re too picky” – as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work
“As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work” – as though God requires emotional martyrs to do His work, of which marriage must be no part.
“Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” – as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified
Accepting singleness, whether temporary or permanent, does not hinge on speculation about answers God has not given to our list of whys, but rather on celebration of the life He has given. I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is His best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me.
Such knowledge of God must transform subsequent knowledge of self – theological readjustment is always the catalyst for renewed self-awareness. This keeps identity right-side-up with nouns and modifiers in their correct place. Am I a Christian single or am I a single Christian? The discrepancy in grammatical construction may be somewhat subtle, but the difference in mindset is profound. Which word is determinative and which is descriptive? You see, we singles are chronic amnesiacs – we forget who we are, we forget whose we are. I am a single Christian. My identity is not found in my marital status but in my redemptive status. I’m one of the “haves,” not one of the “have-nots.”
Have you ever wondered at what age one is officially single? Perhaps a sliding scale is in order: 38 for a Wall Street tycoon; 21 for a Mississippi sorority girl; 14 for a Zulu princess; and five years older than I am for me. It is a relevant question because at some point we see ourselves as “single,” and that point is a place of greater danger than despair. Singleness can be a mere euphemism for self-absorption: now is the “you time.” No wife to support? No husband to pamper? Well then, by all means join three different golf courses, get a weekly pedicure, raise emus, subscribe to People.
Singleness is never carte blanche for selfishness. A spouse is not a sufficient countermeasure for self. The gospel is the only antidote for egocentricity. Christ did not come simply to save us from our sins, He came to save us from ourselves. And He most often rescues us from us through relationships, all kinds of relationships. “Are you seeing anyone special?” a young matron in my home church asked patronizingly. “Sure,” I smiled. “I see you and you’re special.”
OK, my sentiment was a little less than kind, but the message is true. To be single is not to be alone. If someone asks if you are in a relationship right now, your immediate response should be that you are in dozens. Our range of relational options is not limited to getting married or to living in the sound-proof, isolated booth of Miss America pageants. Christian growth mandates relational richness.
The only time folks talk about human covenants is in premarital counseling. How anemic. If our God is a covenantal God, than all of our relationships are covenantal. The gospel is not about how much I love God (I typically love Him very little); it is about how much God loves me. My relationships are not about how much friends should love me, they are about how much I get to love them. No single should ever expect relational impoverishment by virtue of being single. We should covenant to love people – to initiate, to serve, to commit.
Many of my Vanderbilt girls have been reading Lady in Waiting, a popular book for Christian women struggling with singleness. That’s all fine and dandy, but what about a subtitle: And Meanwhile, Lady, Get Working. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to require less of me in my relationships than He does of the mother of four whose office is next door. Obedience knows no ages or stages.
Let’s face it: singleness is not an inherently inferior state of affairs. If it were, heaven would be inferior to this world for the majority of Christians.
But I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in the next couple years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will but His be done. Until then I am claiming as my theme verse, “If any man would come after me, let him…”

Stewardship

Okay, this is my second attempt at this blog. The first attempt ended in my computer malfunctioning, my nearly completed blog deleting, and the hairs on my head vanishing! And since most of this stuff I write is simply off the cuff... it will be a stretch to enter back into profound-mode. Some verbage is sure to be lost along the way, but hopefully I can recall the good stuff.



I'll start with all the Lord has been teaching me, albeit my own stubbornness makes me thick skulled at times.



I am beginning to grasp and feel the weight of responsibility that I have been given as a Steward. I feel as if my eyes are being opened to the big wide world outside of my comfortable American bubble, and to shut them now would be blatantly disobedient. I was disobedient before but I was ignorant in my disobedience. How I thought all of the scripture references to money and stewardship didn't apply to me, is now beyond me and it just goes to show how shallow my relationship was with my Savior. I was content with my designer labels & comfort purchases, not realizing that my life was slowly beginning to look alot more like the standards set by this world. Somehow I seemed to justify in my mind that how I spent my money was disconnected from my relationship with the Lord and the only time the two overlapped was the occasional 10% I'd throw in the offering box to alleviate any feelings of guilt about the other 90%.
With fresh perspective, I watch my fellow Dallasites flock to the mothership (aka: Northpark Mall) on Designer missions, and a sense of anger wells in me. But how can I look with judgement on those that seek the things I did not too long ago? May I look with pity instead, because I know the difference now and by Grace I've been saved from that hamster-wheel of lies that keeps me blinded in narcissism and dulls my senses to the majority that do not live as I do.

Inconvenience

It's storming now, but just moments ago it was bright and sunny from my view here in the corner booth of a local coffee shop. So, I guess you could say... typical Texas weather... unpredictable at best. When the sun was still beaming through the window, a lady sat down next to me and I noticed she had an umbrella. I thought it was strange then, but I'm realizing now as the sky grows darker, that she must watch the news! Maybe I should try that. How can I be a light in this world if I don't even know what's going on around it? Hmmm... I'll ponder and get back to that later. That's a whole 'nother post!!

On another note: I have been having such intense moments, even days, of clarity lately that I often feel my skin cannot contain me or that my words will not do justice. It's those moments of 'enlightenment' or whatever you want to call them that you wonder how you ever lived so naively before.

I began researching Fair Trade coffee (I'll be writing about that soon) as we start up Pearl Bridge (the coffee co. I'm helping start here in Dallas). The more I learn, the more convicted I become of the injustice & unrest that goes on around the world that we (especially Americans) do not even take the time to concern ourselves with.

With information on any topic we could conjure up at our fingertips, we waste these precious moments we have been given google-ing 'Designer Jeans' or 'Hollywood Gossip' or 'Investment Portfolios'. Just start typing and see what all the auto-text on your computer has saved from your past searches.

We seem more concerned with making our lives comfortable than helping to make others lives live-able. We get annoyed with the 'Donate to a Child' commercials that interrupt our re-run episode of Friends (which we've already seen 4 times). Our favorite team is playing and our attention diverts during these same commercials but quickly resumes when we see uniforms running across the field.

And perhaps the annoyance or the passivity result b/c our comfort zone is challenged with a brief moment of reality... but even beyond that, I think it is our globally-ignorant minds that have our hearts untrained in our responses to them. When we are confronted with the evils that comprise so many people's daily realities, we either don't know how to respond so we don't -or- our responses are laced with sarcasm to make light of the horror -or- we justify-away the surfacing emotions with a million excuses of why our lives do not intersect with theirs –or- we actually feel brief compassion & maybe even throw a few bucks at the organizations boldly fighting for these "poor people." But we don't dare take initiative to learn more than what we are spoon-fed… that would require something of us.

One of my favorite scenes from Amazing Grace (and for those who have read any recent blogs of mine... YES... I am AGAIN going to pull from this stellar movie) is the scene when William Wilberforce is seeking advice from John Newton (a slave-trader turned preacher who wrote the song Amazing Grace). William is debating whether to bring a bill before Parliament that will call for the abolition of the slave trade, which was an inhumane and deadly practice. John, having once been the captain of a slave trade ship over 20 years prior, still did not have strength enough to discuss the shame of his past with William. But what he did say as William questioned him about the slave trade was poignant and relevant to what I feel like the Lord has been showing me lately. He told William... "Do it! Pull their filthy ships out of the water" And then he warned him: "But you won't remain clean. You'll get filthy with it. You'll dream it. You'll see it in broad daylight...."(BTW: this is probably not verbatim)

Not that we are all called to be political activists, but I guess the point here and what I feel like the Lord has been showing me lately is three-fold:
Faith is manifested in action
Silence in the face of sin is sin
The ‘American Dream’ is a false reality we have created to isolate ourselves from the other 95% of the global population. I have a choice to remain ignorant inside the bubble or bust the bubble and engage my heart in a hurting world.

All this to say that I feel like the Lord has been whispering in my ear "Simplify". I don't need all this stuff and I sure don't want my life to play out like the final scene in Schindler's List. If you haven't seen it... go see it and do yourself a favor to learn a little bit more about one of the most gruesome events in history. Schindler was an affluent German that towards the end of the Holocaust began to open his eyes to the brutality going on around him which prompted him to buy the liberation of Jews one by one. He was responsible for the liberation of over 1100 Jews and today his name is remembered. But in the final scene of Schindler's List, Schindler is weeping thinking of who else he could have saved as he talks with a Jewish friend:
Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.
Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...
Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough!
Itzhak Stern: You did so much. [Schindler looks at his car]
Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people. [removing Nazi pin from lapel]
Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this. [sobbing]
Oskar Schindler: I could have gotten one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't!

Schindler finally realized what I hope to increasingly live by: when you give away your life you find it! This is no revolutionary statement; God has been whispering it to us through His Word for centuries if we will just listen.
“If you cling to your life you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me you will find it.” Matthew 10:38-40

But we do a good job of convincing ourselves that we need the Highland Park zip code… that we need the upgraded car… or the designer labels… or the clothes for our pet… or for our kids to play on the best (not to mention most expensive) select sports teams… that we need a vacation splurge b/c we deserve it… or that we need extra square footage… the list goes on; simply add to it the last thing you were convinced you couldn’t live without that didn’t affect your overall health or well-being whatsoever. And even for those of us who recognize all this stuff in our lives as wants not needs, we still justify them by the standard set by the world. But we are nomads here… called to be in the world and not of the world. Too often though our lives look no different from those that call this Home. We should not get too comfortable here, for this is not our destination.

There is nothing wrong with this stuff we are immersed in. As the Word says it is not money that is the root of all evil, it is the love of money that is the root of all evil. It is not a sin to buy a new Hummer for your recently graduated teen, or to buy your pet poodle clothes for every holiday, or to get French manicures each week. When our focus is merely on eliminating stuff from our lives we have slowly become a Pharisee, a slave to the Law once more. But Christ came & with His death freed us from the Law… He unchained our yoke of slavery & released our hearts to soar underneath the wings of His grace. So we are free now… and what should we do we do with our freedom? We have seemed to take on the mentality that our freedom is ours to do with what we want. And because our culture perpetuates this belief, we are not challenged to think otherwise.

I have often wondered what it is about Christians overseas that enable them to “get it” in a way that we often don’t over here. A young man who recently converted to Christianity in Palestine, which is predominately Muslim, understands with clarity the weight of the freedom He has been given in Christ. As Christ encouraged His disciples, this Palestinian man ‘counted the cost.’ I’m sure he did not passively make the decision to follow Christ. He knew for him this would mean family disownment, social isolation, persecution, imprisonment, poverty, and possibly death. It was not a flippant decision. Not one made to simply secure his spot in Heaven but one made that required ALL of him… daily. Especially here in the good ole Bible Belt of America, Christ’s sacrifice has been watered down to merely represent a ticket to Heaven. We do not ‘count the cost’ b/c there is really no cost required. Christ came to set us free and so that freedom means we go about life as usual and oh, now we’re going to Heaven (insert sarcasm)!!! We have been given a gift and rather than give of it to others, we keep it for ourselves. Try explaining this to the Palestinian who now suffers daily for his decision. He would marvel that this goes on and he would probably think it is a rare occurrence. Little does he know that it is indeed a tragic plague, not simply an isolated occurrence.
The Palestinian would probably be sad to know that Jesus plays only a small role in our lives… b/c to him, Jesus is EVERYTHING. Jesus was meant to be more than a name tag, but we consistently miss out on “life to the full” b/c our t-shirts are graced with His name, but our lives look nothing like Him. We turn to the more visible things of our culture to define us and it becomes harder and harder to see Him in our reflection.

I write this not to evoke any feelings of guilt... but definitely feelings of conviction. For guilt drags us further away from God's plan. But conviction is a precursor to action! May our hearts be pricked now so that we do not stand before the Judgment Seat one day and feel like Oskar Schindler. God doesn't give so that we can make our lives more comfortable. If we have been blessed, it is our responsibility to bless others out of that we’ve been stewarded…not hoard it for our own selfish advancement or personal comfort. But it seems the more we have, the more we think it is ours to do with what we please.

May we feel the weight of responsibility we’ve been given and live lives that are poured out offerings. May this living water not become a lake in our lives but a river… and may we discover the blessedness and the fullness that He intended us to experience as the waters flow out not just in.

Judgment Seat of Christ

2.11.2007

How do I reconcile the emotions that flood me right now with the realities that I am facing? Confronted with a raw illustration of the Judgment Seat this morning was the last thing I thought I’d encounter today but it must be timely. Though it feels like I was just punched in the stomach without warning, there must be a reason for it and I wanna explore the emotions & thoughts this left me dealing with today. How can the most important test, the only test that matters, be so easily overlooked in my life? How can I be so deluded by stuff that I miss the importance of each moment, each breath I’ve been given? How can I get distracted so easily that my focus is not on what IS but on what is fleeting? How can I pass people every day without a second concern as to their spiritual state? How can the moments that comprise my days be filled with selfish ambition that will amount to nothing I have to lay at Your feet? How can the mirror dictate my attitude and my decisions as opposed to the gifts, talents, identity, and LIFE I’ve been given by Your Son? How can this Truth which is eternal and piercing get watered-down by mere man? How can the sin that You were nailed to the Cross for get to a point in our society where it is justified and even glorified? How can the Power in Your name and in Your life be exchanged for false gods that offer no sense of hope, purpose, or fulfillment that is lasting? How can I hold tightly to unforgiveness and bitterness and resentment that You already said is YOURS to judge? How can I allow myself to be deceived into thinking that I have any control when One day I will understand fully that everything is of You and through You and by You and for You?

The list of questions could go on but the question I guess that sums them all up this morning is what am I going to do with the reality of the Judgment Seat? In light of one day facing my Savior and getting the chance to hear ‘Well Done my Good and Faithful Servant!’ what is my life going to look like? What needs to change? What are tangible steps I need to take and wait no longer?

Sometimes I just wanna wave bon voyage to America and all the stuff that is so distracting and sail off to some remote village in Africa where life seems simpler and there is less to distract me from my purpose here on earth. But America is where I find myself… surrounded by some of the best-looking, best-dressed, best-educated, most wealthy, most comfortable, most famous people in the world. With access to pretty much anything in this capitalistic country of ours, we grasp for pretty much EVERYTHING and are left with pretty much NOTHING (on the inside). We are shells of people walking around, and not that in other countries this is not the case, but I guess the difference is that we don’t know it. Our shell looks prettier and smells nicer than the shells in Africa… but when opened the inside is just as dead & rotting. As Jesus put it, we are white-washed tombs. We would be better off to just expose the tombs we are… but we are deceived just because our tombs look nice on the outside & just because our pleasure-seeking environment keeps us comfortable and temporarily satiated.

So today as I wrestle through all these questions & observations, a part of me just wants to throw up my hands & find the next one-way ticket to Africa. But that’s not reality and You have me here… in Dallas, Texas. I want to be faithful where I am at and I can already see Your purposes for me here unfolding… with Student Ministries, with Pearl Bridge, with my parents, with everyone I’m living life with here and the community You have blessed me with through Watermark. To up and leave would not only be the easy way out, it would be disobedient to what You have placed before me.

And regardless of where I am, I want to bring glory to Your name so that one day I might hear those sweet words ‘Well done my good and faithful servant!’ I want to live in light of Your Judgment Seat and the coliseum that has a seat reserved with my name carved into it. Because one day I will find myself sitting there awaiting my name to be called. I don’t want that day to be filled with fear and trembling but in excitement to meet You and to lay at Your feet the crowns, the jewels, the treasures I have stored up while here.

Burn away the dross Lord, so that what remains in me is You, so that what I have to give is You, so that what I seek is You, so that what others see is You, so that what I am living for is You. Help me to increasingly make choices that allow Your Refining Fire to have full reign over my heart. And as You have more access to my heart… may Your light grow in brightness through my life.

COFFEE SHOP DREAM

I was looking back at my journal today and I'm amazed at what the Lord has weaved together over just the last few months. I originally wrote this back in October. It is now March and since then Pearl Bridge Coffee Co. is well under way. I would have never thought that this dream I set out to pursue in October would be the reality that it is today. What was once a tangly mess of mismatched threads is now being woven together in a tapestry that is unfolding before my eyes. May the Lord do great things with our coffee company & may we be pioneers in our industry!


10.30.2006

WOW…where to start?!!! My skin is the only thing keeping me from going a million directions right now. I feel like “Jo Jo the idiot circus boy w/ a pretty new pet.” As I drove away from the meeting I just had w/ Barry & Parker, though I was tempted to call ALL close friends & blab my excitement, instead I blasted “Jump For My Love” & had a private little dance party along Preston Rd. All I could do was praise You w/ dance. Tonight was more confirmation that the whole coffee shop venture might really be happening. I can see Your fingerprints all over this & You continue to bring people in my life that have the same heart/ vision that I do. There are so many people who have been weaved into my life recently with regards to the coffee shop dream, that appear to be “random” but appearance is deceiving. Nothing is just random with You.. all is wonderfully & beautifully orchestrated. We see the pieces of fabric… You see the tapestry. And so, while the pieces of fabric seem to be coming together in my eyes… I want to continue to trust what only Your eyes can see. I can plan all day long, but You determine my steps. I don’t want to plan in futility & in selfish motivation… I want to plan & goal-set in a way that invites You in… acknowledges Your bigger plan in the midst of it all.

10.31.06

… (continued b/c I fell asleep typing)…
I want to humbly pursue this opportunity ahead, realizing each step of the way that You guide my feet and it is from Your hand, not my spectacular entrepreneurial abilities (sarcasm), that I have been blessed with this opportunity. I have seen a lot of my pride surface lately and I think its so ugly. O, Lord I want to pursue this with passion & humility. I saw that in Barry last night and it challenged me. Hearing of his resume of business experience, I know that he is a wealth of wisdom & knowledge in the business world, yet he did not use big words to impress or assume a role of significance above Parker & I (though he very well could comparatively, given his age and experience). He has a sensitive heart to You & sees this as a great opportunity to do something he is passionate about. All that to say, he really set a precedent for how I want my attitude to be right now. And if my heart is not centered on You daily, that will be impossible. Oh, Lord break my pride… show me how to lay it down… moment to moment.

I lift up this team of guys as they finalize the initial business plan. I pray that they would be attuned to You and allow Your spirit to lead. I pray that Your heart for Your people would be evident throughout this whole process… that we would love each other well and work in a way that brings glory to You. Oh, Lord I pray that our coffee shop would be a beacon in this dark world. A place of rest & peace in the midst of the chaos that surrounds. A place that is relevant to our culture yet offering a hope beyond it. A place where the staff is not bogged down by duty & corporate bureaucracy but has the freedom to engage with each other & with customers on a personal level. A place where fellowship is the cornerstone and where people are sharpened & encouraged. A place where uniqueness & individualism is supported & promoted through our product, our people, and our atmosphere. A place of quality products that not only benefit our customers but also establish credibility & innovation in our industry. A place where Christ is the heartbeat that results in the pulse of every facet of the business. Where You are the source of Life to all branches of the business.

O, Lord this is my heart… guide what may come of it.

GIRLS ARE LIKE APPLES

----------------- Girls ------------------
----------- are like apples -----------
------ on trees. The best ones ------
----- are at the top of the tree. ------
-- The boys don't want to reach ---
-- for the good ones because they --
- are afraid of falling and getting hurt. -
- Instead, they get the rotten apples -
- from the ground that aren't as good -
- but easy. So the apples up top think -
- something is wrong with them when, in -
-- reality, they're amazing. They just --
--- have to wait for the right boy to ---
---- come along, the one who's ----
----------- brave enough to -------------
------------- climb all -------------
------------- the way -------------
------------ to the top ------------
----------- of the tree. -----------


YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

GENESIS 33

Tears flooded my eyes as I read this passage today. What a mental picture of forgiveness & grace this passage is!!! And how continually I need to be reminded of these core characteristics of my God. The Noona film this past Friday coupled with the Journey readings this week have really reminded me of God’s faithfulness to me and His unconditional, gentle, and grace-filled love towards me. In essence… His father-heart. It’s hard for me to really grasp this aspect of Him… but I so desperately want to and I can see where He has slowly been showing me this aspect of Himself. I trust that He longs to reveal Himself to me WAY more than I will ever want to know Him. Sad… but true!

So, at last, today we see Esau and Jacob reunite. It has been a good 20 + years since they last saw eachother and in the meantime it becomes apparent that Esau has chosen to forgive Jacob. What character we see shine through in Esau’s life… all those years of steadfast faith have paid off… he now gets to experience a restored relationship with his brother and share in the blessings God brought Jacob’s way.

I love that the men wept at their reunion. What vulnerability… what love… what a picture of God when we return to Him. He, like Esau, doesn’t punish us as we deserve… He receives us back with weeping. As Jacob comes over the ridge to meet Esau, filled with fear and the knowledge of the punishment he deserves, he bows low to the ground several times. Whether this was in fear or in repentance or a combination of both, what he receives from Esau is clearly not what he was expecting.

As I come over the ridge of my life, the difference is that I know what character to expect when I meet God. He is unchanging. But too often I shrink in fear and miss out on the full blessedness of receiving His grace. I want to be able to boldly, yet humbly approach the throne of Grace each time I have sinned. I think all too often an unhealthy view of the Lord keeps me from repentance. When I am confident in HIS character, my focus is less on my own abilities, failures, successes, strength, etc. I am less crushed with guilt when I do mess up and I am more quick to repent, change, and live honestly with others when my confidence is in His character!

GENESIS 32

JACOB'S WRESTLING MATCH

Wrestling with God… mmmm… I don’t know anything about that (insert sarcasm here)!!! How often I take back control… or attempt to… and God has to hurt me a little before I stop wrestling with Him. Oh, how I wish that I understood God as Jacob did… even when God wounded him. He is wounded but still wrestles with God and then demands a blessing b/c he understands the character of his God. He trusts that the wound is out of love and that is evident by how he reacts. Instead of limping off to a dark corner, bitter and blaming God (like Jonah) he remains engaged with the Lord… not isolating himself. Instead of wallowing in pity for himself and his wound, his focus remains on the Lord and he upholds trust in His character to deliver blessing. Not exactly the reactions that I usually have when my wrestling match with the Lord turns sour… for my own good!

Another thing that stands out is God’s goodness… He always wrestles back. He could just teach me an abrupt lesson of His might & power and my weakness and smallness… but that’s not how He works b/c He truly loves me. He engages with me in my struggle… like we see with Jacob. He joins me in the wrestling match. He doesn’t stand off and aloof as so many tend to see God. And He doesn’t squash me like a worm like the rest of us tend to see God. He struggles WITH me… He’s right there… and while He never relinquishes His will for my stubbornness His pursuit is ALWAYS motivated by and rooted in Love.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend… how thankful I am that my God is not only my Provider, my Rock, my Deliverer, my Savior, my Father, my Lover, my Pursuer, and my Refuge… he is my FRIEND!

HOLIDAYS 2006

I wrote this during the holidays this year. Just alot of observation of the madenning busyness we all get caught up in and so easily allow to distract us from the bigger story being told. A friend of mine is a graphic artist and did a really cool flyer for a church that depicted exactly what I'm trying to communicate (The caption in the picture says 'And So This Is Christmas.')

Holidays 2006


With the coming of Thanksgiving this year I was reminded of all I have to be thankful for. As a Daughter of the King, every day presents another opportunity for gratitude… if just for the “simple” fact of salvation. But a new morning comes along with the day’s To-Do list and I hurriedly rush out the door inundated already with thoughts of what all has to get done. Somewhere between MY agenda for the day and the holiday-laden billboards I pass on my way, with perfectly air-brushed bodies sipping on egg-nog (which doesn’t seem to pose any threat to their metabolisms) and perfectly marketed products appealing to our constant thirst for more, any sense of gratitude is lost. It’s quickly replaced by a sense of discontent and striving and the joy and contentedness of a life as blessed as mine somehow gets overlooked and buried beneath a pile of receipts.

I think it was C.S. Lewis that said the mark of a Christian should be gratitude. But how easily the light of gratitude in our lives is snuffed out when the focus shifts from all we have in Christ to all the world assures us we are still lacking. It happens so easily… any brief moment of flipping through channels or breezing past the grocery store magazine rack poses as a threat to my contentedness in Christ. And even if the day began centered on Truth, too often it ends with the world having the final voice. A voice that beckons away from the Well of Life and leaves us wandering in this desert-place. But each mirage we chase on the horizon leads us further away from the only Place of living water. The result is a parched throat, a striving heart, and a life void of gratitude.

Then a nationally declared holiday rolls around-- forcing us to take a day (if that) to reflect on all we have to be thankful for. Families hold hands for a brief moment and say prayers of thankfulness for blessings and circumstances that are “better off” than most of the world. And while yes it is important to remember the “less fortunate”, gratitude is not a matter of comparison. We are not to be thankful merely because of what we have vs. what “they” don’t. Genuine gratitude is NOT the result of circumstance which makes it available to all people no matter their social status, ethnicity, education level, life stage, or age. Since gratitude springs forth in our lives as we live intimately with God through His Son, it is a heart attitude that transcends all boundaries. Which means that a little boy without shoes living in a war-torn shack in Sudan can have just as much gratitude, often more, manifested in his life as me, a 25 year old entrepreneur with 20 pairs of shoes in the closet of my three-bedroom house in Dallas, TX. Another piece of evidence proving the validity of Christianity!!! Christianity is just as true in war-torn Sudan as it is in the thriving metropolis of Dallas, TX. Christ is enough… He took it all… for EVERYONE! I say this not to minimize the poorer quality of life experienced around the world, but instead to lift up the Cross above the pain. And as we avail our hearts more to the Lord, He grows in us a heart for others rather than a pity for them.

Christmas then rolls around and we celebrate the birth of our Savior. Malls become frenzied disaster zones. Everything that could possibly be candy-coated in green and red makes its way into our guts along with the other ridiculous amount of food we consume. People crowd into buildings of stained glass windows to pay their twice-a-year homage. And Santa comes to town… with LOTS of presents. Sounds like a celebration of Christ to me!! Oh, how I long for my life to reflect a true celebration … not just when lights go up on houses but every moment of every day. Not just on mountain tops… but when I find myself in valleys. Not just when blessings come but when trials find us. Not just when plans fall into place but on the days when all we want to do is crawl back in bed and start over. Not just when we ladies feel good about our bodies but even when the mirror portrays an image we aren’t happy with. Not just in marriage but in singleness (and vice versa). Oh, that Christmas would just be another opportunity to express what I’ve celebrated all year long!

And then Christmas bleeds right into New Year, which is where I find myself today. The charter bus rolled away early this morning taking with it the 60 high school students I just spent the week with here in Breckenridge, CO. I stood by in the snow waving goodbye and relieved a little that I will be hopping on a plane ALONE in a couple of days. But on return to the condo we’ve been staying in, still containing teenage remnants, I am a little saddened by their sudden absence. Just last night we celebrated the New Year with worship, sharing our hearts, praying for eachother, and later on a little dance party and ice cream! No champagne, no glamour, no midnight kiss, no alcohol-dependent “fun”… but yet, one of the best New Years’ Eves I have ever had! I didn’t wake up today with regret or a headache, but instead with such a full heart. This past week spent serving students and living life beside them… encouraging, exhorting, loving, correcting, disciplining, and leading… has reminded me once again of the Life and Abundance that results from the choice to die to ourselves. The momentary pleasure of the world pales in comparison to the lasting richness I’ve experienced in this last week.

So as I sit here in Breckenridge, CO on New Years Day reflecting on all this… in deep thought over my hazelnut cappuccino and staring out the window at the snow-covered Creation surrounding me… I am convicted and encouraged by my own words. Convicted to head into 2007 increasingly availing more of my heart to the only One worthy of it. And encouraged that as I do, I can lean on timeless truth and greet God’s new mercies each day. OH, that 2007 would be a year characterized by: joy despite circumstance, rest amidst chaos, peace within surrounding busyness, character over comfort, the choice to struggle well, and the fragrance of gratitude to follow wherever my feet may tread and whoever my path may cross with this upcoming year.

May gratitude mark our 2007… for His glory and our good!


“ He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” - Jim Elliot

“ An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others.” - A.W. Tozer

“ Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.” - C.S. Lewis

“ No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it. So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can.” - 1 Cor 10:13-14

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C.S. Lewis

“…you’ll never love if you protect yourself…” - The Daylights

" If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” - C.S. Lewis

PASSIVITY

The candidness of my pastor always awakens my heart from slumber... I appreciate his willingness to confront present-day evils in a way that is unapologetic yet loving. I wrote this last week after processing what he had to say on Passivity & all the Lord is showing me recently on the matter.


As much I was stirred by my pastor’s sermon last week, I wish the women of our body would have been as equally confronted by the issue of passivity as the men were. Because somewhere along the way, we too, have substituted passion & purpose for comfort & “security”. We call self-protection DISCRETION. We call control EMPOWERMENT. We call manipulation & power-chasing SMART & SAVVY. We call tolerance NICE. We call idolatry BEAUTY. We call materialism SOPHISTICATED. We call busyness ALTRUISM. We call codependency COMMITMENT. We call fear & people-pleasing PEACE. We call food addictions, shopping binges, and other selfish indulgences REWARDS for a tough week. We call worldly-endorsed pleasure-seeking just having FUN. We appease, compromise and exploit others and call it STATUS & POPULARITY. We call isolation INDEPENDENCE. We degrade our bodies and call it SEXY. And we allow bitterness & unforgiveness to direct our actions, calling it JUSTICE or EQUAL RIGHTS.

We pick and choose the justifications that allow us to remain comfortable in our circles. Whether that manifests in not rocking any boats or leaving a wake of destruction that rocks every boat in our way, our truest selves (that which reflects our Savior) remain veiled. We are women walking around wearing Christ’s nametag, but whose hearts have affairs all day long. We have lost the tender mercy & courageous compassion that we were created for as women because our hearts have chosen other much less worthy lovers. They beckon us to their shores and then shipwreck our hearts. Soon we are aimlessly wandering on islands of broken relationships, damaged reputations, sin-entangled patterns, and empty lives. No man-made efforts can get us off these islands. The only wind powerful enough to carry us back out to sea where our sails are free to soar is the Wind of Redemption. We can fight it and live out a shell of existence on our island or we can trust in it, though the waves appear choppy, allowing it to guide us on an eternal adventure.

Sadly, our hearts have been so numbed to the reality that we are passively watching life pass by. We have become comfortable on the islands of our choice… missing out on the vastness of creation that is out there for us to explore with Christ guiding our ships from the dry places we wander. Similar to the bubble we find ourselves in as Americans… only traveling outside that bubble will open our eyes & give us perspective beyond ourselves.

What will it take us, WOMEN, to re-engage our hearts in a hurting world? Where passivity seems to reign, there is an increasing shortage of men & women whose faith leads to works that bring about real & lasting CHANGE in our society. The few that do… the William Wilberforces… the Mother Theresas… the C.S. Lewis’… the Elizabeth Elliots… the Martin Luthers…the Amy Charmichaels… the Esthers… the A.W. Tozers… we admire from a distance but think to ourselves “my name could never be added to that list”. But what we fail to realize is that for every one of these more globally-known men & women of Christian History, there is a long list of others whose names don’t quite make the more well-known list but who were just as faithful in their own spheres of influence. We very well might be the next Martin Luther or Esther… or we may initiate change on a “smaller”-scale (in our neighborhoods, in our schools, in our kids’ PTA meetings, in our sports leagues, or wherever we find ourselves)…. But whichever is our role to play… we must embrace it fully so that we do not just quietly depart this world when it comes our time to go Home.

I was reflecting on the subject of Christian History just last week after I watched the film Amazing Grace. After viewing such a powerful portrayal of the life of William Wilberforce, I was struck that prior to viewing this movie I had never even heard his name before. His life was incredible… his unbridled passion for justice and his pursuit of it without regard to his own health. What a tragedy that some of the most valiant men and women of God, even those who brought about great social change… are the ones that we never read about in text books. We read about men like Napoleon… a man of great earthly power & possession and it is his name we still to this day make references to and build buildings in honor of. But then again, maybe it’s not such a tragedy that some of the noblest men and women who ever lived do not have much treasure here in their memory… they leave this place and go Home to where their treasure awaits them. So I guess the real tragedy is for men like Napoleon… whose treasure will one day go up in flames. William Wilberforce will enjoy his treasure for eternity! It actually makes sense that these men and women of God would not have much stored up here in memory of them b/c that wasn’t their focus. For men like Napoleon, it was his entire focus and so his legacy continues… for now.

In the movie, this point was observed very eloquently at the end by the Speaker of the House of Parliament. He compares the life of William Wilberforce to that of Napoleon… contrasting the two extremes of power. Napoleon used power for his own selfish advances but Wilberforce harnessed power for the good of others. Napoleon’s chief end was power itself. Wilberforce’s chief end was to glorify God by manifesting his faith in action that lived out his God-given passions, gifts, and talents and inevitably brought about great social reform.

In the movie, when God grabbed a hold of Wilberforce’s life, his heart is so changed that he is considering a life of solitude. The other characters in his life, including his pastor-friend John Newton (lyricist of Amazing Grace), reassure him that the choice is not God or politics. With his leadership, his passion, and his unique abilities & experiences… the choice was BOTH. As is the choice we all face. It’s not God or politics… it’s not ministry or Corporate America… it’s not overseas missions or America ….it’s not joining the worship team or joining a secular band…

When we view life choices like this, our God becomes way too small. Wilberforce’s God was not small at all. His faith was the driving force in all that he did and without it he would have just become a “clanging symbol” in the House of Parliament. But it was his choice to do BOTH that led him to become the fullness of the man God created him to be. Whatever choice we are facing that is similar… we are called to choose BOTH… to invite God into the depth of our desires, our gifts, our passions, our HEART… and pursue steadfastly what is before us. All throughout the Bible we see men and women of action. We must step out of the shadows of comfort & self-protection & allow our faith to manifest itself in works.

I recently began an entrepreneurial endeavor that has required me to examine my comfort zones all over again. I have discovered in pursuing something that has been a long passion of mine (owning my own coffeeshop) that the more I move forward in the vulnerability of pursuing this passion, the more I open myself up to criticism from others & attack from the enemy. But what I have also discovered is that it’s worth it!!! My heart feels more alive now than ever b/c I’m living out something that matters to me! How strange it is that the things that matter to us most are often the very things we run from. Why is that? I think it’s because we’re little chicken-shits. There is no better expression for it. Look around… everywhere you look people are settling for so much less than what they have to offer… so much less than who they are. Our lives become thick with façade & pretense, or dullness & mediocrity. To catch a glimpse of the pretense all you have to do is stroll through one of Dallas’ many VIP lounges on a Friday or Saturday night. To catch a glimpse of mediocrity, look anywhere.

One day we will stand before our Savior and give an account of what we did with what He gave us. So often in my own life, comparison can rob me from living out of my unique giftings, passions, talents, etc. How silly this is. Just because my gift may not be as glamorous as someone else’s does not make it any less of a gift… the Word talks about as a body of Christ, we all work together. Each part living out what it was created for. If the eye were to stop and question it’s role as an eye wishing that it could be eloquent like the mouth, than where would we be? But we do this every day when we minimize the gifts God has given us in comparison to the gifts He has given to others. We miss out on the blessings of offering our role and the result is a life marked by poor stewardship. I have taken this way to lightly in my own life… and what I am beginning to discover is that in order for my greatest strengths & gifts to surface, I have to face my greatest weaknesses & struggles. Because the areas of great strength, gifts, etc that God placed in me when He formed me… are the exact areas that Satan will ruthlessly attack. He knows our potential and he fears it!

I feel at this point that I am rambling and so I will sum up all these thoughts with the more eloquent words of wise men who have gone before us on this journey:

-- “A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
-- “He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
-- “History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
-- “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.
-- “Cowardice asks the question 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question 'Is it politic?' But conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but because conscience tells one it is right.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
-- “If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.” - William Wilberforce
-- “To sin is a human business, to justify sins is a devilish business.” - Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy
-- “The unexamined life is not worth living” - Socrates
-- “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln
-- “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” - Edmund Burke
-- Proverbs 24:11-12: “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. 12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this," does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”
-- Isaiah 58:1-12: "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Jacob their sins. 2 For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them. 3 'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. 4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. 5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD ? 6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? 7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. 9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, 10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. 11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. 12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”

HIDING

Here's a little something I wrote a couple years ago after I read the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldridge. God introduced that book to me in a season of dryness... it was a stepping stone He used to free up my heart. It expresses what was revealed to me through that book about the myriad of ways that we, as women, hide. I think we can all identify with one or some combination of ways we hide. Hope it encourages you to step boldly into the light.

Hiding

Worlds apart
From what is true
We hide our hearts
From knowing You

Though One has come to ransom
We feel we must offer more
And our attempts to control
Cheapen what we were created for

Created to offer the world
What is uniquely Eves to give
But something has been stolen
From East of Eden where we live

One offers You her mind
And a life of controlled praise
While denying You access
To the one thing You crave

Lies that define her
As realistic and competent
Push aside her feminine beauty
For things more important

Logic and Intellect
The gods that she serves
Form calluses that harden
Over desires once hers

With Desire disregarded
In the midst of her capable striving
Facades of knowledge form the walls
Behind which her heart is hiding

Another offers You service
Her life void of rest
Never content to just be
Exhausting herself to be best

Past wounds reduce her
Down to usefulness and duty
Breeding invulnerability that masks
Her feminine beauty

Busyness and Works
The gods for which she lives
Defined by all she does
Leaves her with nothing left to give

Her heart is forgotten
In the chaos she creates
But because it feels safe
She prefers to remain

So she hangs a no trespassing sign
Over the longings of her heart
And bids farewell to the desire
Of playing the Cinderella part

And yet another daughter offers
Simply one more pretty face
Trapped in the lie of comparison
All beauty of her Savior erased

Somehow it doesnt seem enough
For a cross to define her worth
So she strives to please the eyes
Of those who see her here on earth

But do they really see her
Or just features that she flaunts?
Still she uses her body to satisfy
The persistent questions that haunt

Physical Beauty and Materialism
The gods of her choice
Attempt to answer her deepest questions
Without giving You a voice

Every new outfit; every pound lost
Seem promising at first
So how did she end up back here
With an unfulfilled thirst?

And still there is one last daughter
Whose heart remains veiled
She assumes the role of nice
Finding comfort in her shell

Mediocrity and Comfort
Are the gods that rule her
And they demand she play it safe
Leaving no room for adventure

Seemingly they protect her from hurt
But meanwhile they rob her of life
Unable to risk, to be bold
She dies a slow death inside


She is convinced that her heart
Is too scary of a place to travel
Shed prefer to remain unnoticed
Forbidding the essence of her to unravel

Lies persuade her experience of You
To reside in shallow depths
Cautious to shield herself from pain
She watches her every step

Never too much
Never passionate
Just Status Quo at best
But always polite
Always civil
Always blending in with the rest

She locks her heart in a dungeon
And throws away the key
But in the still, quiet moments
She hears its faint cries for release

It calls to her in the splendor
Of the nature that surrounds
And in Hollywood-conjured moments
That briefly summon its resounds

But as with the other daughters
The moment passes and her heart is lost
Relinquishing temporary victory
To the enemy Youve already fought

The conclusion of the battle
Has already been told
Still we look straight at Your scars
Forgetting the power they hold

It seems all too often
OUR wounds have the final say
And we opt to remain in patterns
That generations put in place

Lies that our mothers fell victim to
Plague us now as daughters
Ushering us away from the Well
Promising us water

Water that quickly dries
Leaving us parched in this desert to wander
Chasing each mirage on the horizon
With all the hope we can conjure

Because even though we still remember
How to get back to the Well
The path there looks so narrow
Compared to this wide-open trail

Mirage after mirage
Gladly escort us through this dry place
And with the Well no longer in sight
Our hearts bow to altars along the way

Oh how Your heart must break
As your daughters choose other lovers
Jealous for our affections
You watch us slip beneath the covers

In pursuits of our own
We know You by name
But to trust You with our hearts
Seems too risky of a game

Temporary fixes to lifes pain
Turn us desolate or dominating
Un-captivated by You
We become anything but captivating

Our lives merely reflect
The image we perceive in the mirror
But the glass is foggy and shattered
Distorting what we think we can offer

Amidst the pieces of brokenness
And the fogginess that clouds
You declare us beautiful and desirable
Creations lovely crowns

Oh that we might return to you uncovered
Our hearts vulnerable before Your throne
Stripped of all masks all idols all defenses
To reveal a reflection that is Your Own

Each stepping stone of faith
Improving our vision
And soon we look only to notice
A clear view of Your Son

So Lord, direct our aimless wandering
Recover what has been lost to the past
Strengthen our ransomed hearts for the journey
That leads Your daughters Home at last!!!