FREEFALL TO HOPE

To try to describe the shame in my heart leaves me at a loss for words
A well of darkness
Filled with hatred of self and a deep sense of unworthiness
I'm unsure of its depth
Am I willing to enter the blackness?

I peer over the edge and hear echoes of a little girl's cries
The darkness swallows her in its thickness
Her silhouette is all I can see
How long has she been there?
Something snagged her along the way and time froze
And so she hangs there caught on the nail of pain
Waiting to be rescued

But that requires me to jump and grab hold of her in my descent
And as I freefall with her in my arms, the promise is that You are there at the bottom
Give me freedom from the lie that tells me the darkness is too scary
And give me courage to free this little girl

not a fan of me

[two weeks ago real time]

i spent the day attempting to avoid myself....that's hard to do & requires alot of caffeine. i think i began an addiction to Monster energy drinks today. i consumed two. the back of the can says not to consume more than 3 a day. scary. i don't normally consume things that have words i can't pronounce on the nutrition label.

i filled my time with work, busyness, and distraction... all with the hopes of not facing the realities going on in my heart. my efforts were in vain and as i face the end of another day, i'm saddened by my lack of intimacy with my Savior & my trust in myself to cope with life. oh, how much time i waste and how easily my heart is hardened when i cope with life rather than deal with it.

so now, exhausted by this hamster wheel of my own creation, i finally give up... and find that in surrendering my avoidance tactics i at last find peace. the unrest results from my own striving... but rest comes when i'm finally willing to come to that place where i stop trying to "fix" myself.

i don't have to avoid... i can deal.... and Romans 8 reminds me how.

"With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us. Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." -The Message

i can only life my hands in praise and repentence to You, Father. you did it... its done. i don't have to run. make my view of me, your view of me. i offer You rubbish to say "i love you"