FREEFALL TO HOPE

To try to describe the shame in my heart leaves me at a loss for words
A well of darkness
Filled with hatred of self and a deep sense of unworthiness
I'm unsure of its depth
Am I willing to enter the blackness?

I peer over the edge and hear echoes of a little girl's cries
The darkness swallows her in its thickness
Her silhouette is all I can see
How long has she been there?
Something snagged her along the way and time froze
And so she hangs there caught on the nail of pain
Waiting to be rescued

But that requires me to jump and grab hold of her in my descent
And as I freefall with her in my arms, the promise is that You are there at the bottom
Give me freedom from the lie that tells me the darkness is too scary
And give me courage to free this little girl

The Sport of Job Hunting

I'm beginning to understand why they call it "job hunting." It's a very accurate term for all the waiting and watching for that seemingly one shot. But what I am beginning to discover is that as I am disciplined to pursue the various avenues before me, God is so good to open and close doors as He sees fit. It's when I take things into my own hands and try to force timing or force an opportunity or even force what I think is the "best fit" for me, that I end up frustrated in this silly sport.

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." How comforting to know that as I am diligent to seek a job, the Lord is guiding me to where I will best be used and grown. And how thankful I am that the One who knows me better than I will ever know myself is the One who is guiding where my next step falls. But only in trusting in His provision do I get to experience the blessedness of it. And that is something I fight. My tendency is to see this job transition as a problem to solve rather than a reason to draw close my Lord. And each day I wake up and face the fears of this transition I have a choice: to trust in myself and "conquer" in my own strength -OR- to trust in my God and experience His strength. The former brings only frustration b/c all plans I make are sure to fail or dissappoint when my hope is in them... leaving me weak. The latter brings only peace amidst circumstance b/c even if my plans fail, my hope is in the Lord's provision... which leaves me strong to continue to fight the battle at hand.

Today I choose to trust Him. Tomorrow might be another battle of wills, but at least for this moment I say that I want what He wants and am willing to wait for that.

I think something the Lord is ever so gently showing me right now is that He doesn't want me to settle for what is comfortable and easy. There are a few job opportunities that I could snag up b/c the pay is decent and they are immediate. But I feel like the Lord is saying "wait". Wait for what, I wonder? Maybe He wants me to dive back into my heart... to where my desires, passions, and giftings are, and see what I come up with. I want to be where I will experience growth and where I will be challenged. Where is that place? Is it a whole new field that I haven't even considered?

My prayer for this season is that the Lord would unravel the creative side of me that I know is there but that I am often fearful to explore. Will my new job help me to discover these creative parts of me? I don't know but I hope so.