Insecurity-Discontent-Comparison: a deadly conglomerate

I've recently been hanging out some with an acquaintance of mine, Discontent. Perhaps, you are acquainted with him too... slightly bothersome but strangely alluring fellow that always seems to show up at the most inconvenient times. There is something initially inviting about Discontent, perhaps his loyalty, but each time we hang out I always leave feeling like the life has been sucked from me. Like the other day when I intended to make a quick stop to re-fill a perfume bottle and I look over to see Discontent walking my way (at least I saw him coming this time, usually he blind sides me). I quickly dashed behind one of the make-up counters and pretended to be really interested in blush all of the sudden. I avoided him for a little bit, but eventually he found me and of course all he ever wants to do is talk about the latest and greatest. Not too long after that we ran into Discontent's associate, Comparison. Comparison is even more of a gossip than Discontent, but they feed off of each other like parasites. They have an interesting relationship and usually you know that if one is around, the other is somewhere near. Comparison is a classic "Chatty Cathy". Sometimes I even wonder if she stops to come up for air. But Discontent always encourages her, mostly listening and agreeing, but also throwing in his pessimistic two cents. Their narcissistic personalities seem to work well together and their business is thriving here in Dallas. Their under-the-radar operation is endorsed by the most elite corporations and they recenty formed a merger with Northpark Mall. But their success can be largely attributed to the brains of the whole operation, Insecurity. Insecurity is a behind-the-scenes, often very elusive character and because he has been around so long, people usually don't even realize that they've been with him. He is extremely introverted and a bit of a wallflower, so he is easy to overlook. Almost everyone is acquainted with Insecurity, but very few people admit they even know of him because there is such a stigma with his name. And while Insecurity remains independent of Discontent and Comparison, he provides the driving force of everything they accomplish.

So, after an hour of listening to Discontent and Comparison go on and on the other day, I finally just got up and left. I'm sure they perceived that as rude, but even just that short amount of time spent with them began to drain the life from me so I didn't care. I needed fresh air. It felt good to take a stand against their meaningless chitchat that was wasting my time. In the past, they used to be my constant companions, but the more time I spend apart from them, the more obvious it becomes that they are a detriment to my soul. Truth and Grace are a couple new friends of mine, and the more I hang out with them, the less I want to be around Discontent and Comparison. The saying goes that "you are what you hang around." The depth of friendship and the life that I find with Truth and Grace makes me a better person, which I could never say about Discontent, Comparison, or Insecurity.


"The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy but I have come that you may have life and life to the full." - Jesus
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-- Where have you recently crossed paths with Discontent? At work? With your spouse? With your friends? When you look in the mirror?

-- Is Insecurity an acquaintance that you haven't admitted to? Where is Insecurity robbing you of life because you allow it to remain in the shadows of your heart? Who can you be real with today about the Insecurity in your life?

-- What voices of Comparison have you been listening to for far too long? What Truth can you replace that voice with? (See Colossians 3:1-4 as a starting place)

-- What other things/ people have you been hanging around that are slowly draining life from you? Why do you keep returning to them? Who/ What can you begin to replace those toxic environments/relationships with so that you are filled with the abundant Life Jesus promised? What is stopping you?

published

I've been writing alot lately, I just have yet to put any of it on here. In fact, if I may take a brag moment, I found out that one of my poems is getting published! I'm sure it's some obscure publication, but I must admit it was kinda fun to fill out the "Artist Profile" that they will include with the piece. It even asked for my "Pen Name". I wish I was as creative as Mark Twain. I thought about something having to do with Ireland, since I have a peculiar affinity with anything Irish....with the exception of Guinness of course. Hmmmm... Brooke Ireland. Sounds like a good, hearty pen name to me!

Anyway, here is the poem. It's the abridged and edited version of a poem I wrote a few years ago. A poem about the gods we bow to...hiding in their shadows...not realizing that freedom is only in the light.


Worlds apart from Truth, we hide our hearts from being known
And comparisons perpetuate the lie that we’re alone
One offers her mind, a life of controlled competence
Pushing aside feminine beauty for things more important
Logic and Intellect, the gods that she serves
Form calluses that harden over desires once hers
All tenderness disregarded in the midst of her capable striving
Facades of independence form walls behind which her heart is hiding

Another offers service, her life void of rest
Never content to just be, exhausting herself to be best
Busyness and Obligation, the gods for which she lives
Defined by all she does leaves her with nothing left to give
Her heart is forgotten in the chaos she creates
But because it feels safe, she prefers to remain
She hangs a no trespassing sign over the longings of her heart
And bids farewell to desires of playing the Cinderella part

And yet another offers simply one more pretty face
Chasing mirages found in magazines, True beauty is erased
But do people really see her or just features that she flaunts?
Accumulating external worth to quiet the inner perception that taunts
Glamour and Materialism, the gods of her choice
Allure her with immediacy, but slowly drowned out her voice

All of them searching for something valuable to offer
And wounded by pasts that distort the image in the mirror
Dying inside underneath masks of illusion
Until Redemption intercedes with an unusual conclusion
Hope begins to unveil the shame they feel inside
And Freedom lifts the veil; they no longer have to hide

The Brookecycle

Not to be confused with the bicycle, unicycle, or the like.
--------------------------------
I never thought of myself as a performance-based person until recently. I mean, I know to some degree that we all are because the world defines us by our titles and accomplishments. But, I guess when I think of a performance-driven person, I think of the ultra Type A, perfectionistic, anal-retentive, climbing-the-corporate-America-ladder Types, whose lives are color-coded and neatly organized.

But despite my preconceived notion of what “performance-based” means, the Lord is showing me that I, indeed, wear the performance hat quite often. Though my performance doesn’t result in the quest to be included among Dallas’ elite, it still drives much of my actions. Performance, for me, is not as much to prove something to others, it’s more the insatiable mission to prove to myself that I am worthy afterall. Worthy of what I wonder? I’m not sure.

We all like the feeling of doing something well, don’t get me wrong. But to derive worth from performance is a disappointing treadmill that will drive one mad and not to mention, burn useless calories.

The reason this insight is fresh on my brain this morning is because I was up until nearly 3:00 AM cleaning my house. Well, my house looks kick ass but my heart feels empty. I was struggling yesterday with issues of worth and value…and even stooped to self-loathing the fact that I am single, therefore must be undesirable. Silly… I l-o-v-e my singleness 99% of the time (1% is reserved for wedding attendances & sappy romantic comedy viewings). So all this to say, I was believing a lot of lies…that devil, he knows how to get me every time. I should expect nothing less from him.

Soo…what do I do? I clean. Not just clean, but hyper-clean… AND organize! Not a bad way to over-compensate for my feelings of pathetic-ness, at least it results in productivity as opposed to other coping mechanisms I turn to. But its not always cleaning for me… sometimes it’s distraction –or- signing myself up for more than I can fit in my dayplanner –or- perfectionistic body image goals/desires.

[ENTER] control issues here. Because of this ceaseless drive in me to prove something to myself, I attempt to force or create feelings of worthiness with my own strivings rather than just breathing in the moments as a Beloved Daughter. Control plays out in relationships: false expectations or pressure on others to give me what I need to feel okay with myself. It also plays out in the tight grip I maintain over my body image. My compulsive working out and dieting ended in college, however I still, a lot of times, carry around a mental checks-and-balances that often robs me of joy & of living in the moment.

So there it is…I see how all of my issues collide in to one big cyclical mess. Guilt/Shame/Insecurity (dislike of self) drives me to Performance & Control (i.e. Body Image, Comparison, Perfectionism) which leads to exhaustion, burn out, lack of joy, discontent & a lot of half-assing.

The half-assing issue is huge for me. The Lord is teaching me discipline but it is slow. One would think that with all of these performance-driven tendencies, I would accomplish a lot. I DO a lot (busyness) in avoidance of my inner battles, but my question to myself recently is “do I do things well?”. I think, sadly, a lot of times the answer is “no”.

That brings me to my last and final issue of concern (though I’m sure I’m leaving out some)…the fear in my life. It plays into the cycle as well. It’s like some part of me can’t allow myself to truly go for things…to believe in myself. I saw this played out recently on a small scale. I kept procrastinating signing up for the White Rock ‘N Roll 5-Mile Run at White Rock Lake. I was allowing myself leeway to bail. Non-commitment allowed me that leeway. So I didn’t commit…until I absolutely had to. Then I started thinking about why this silly race (which I wanted to do) cause so much angst inside. I mean the worst thing that could have happened (outside of injury) is I would have had to stop and walk part of the way…was it really just Pride that hindered me from making a confident decision to commit? Maybe partially…but it runs deeper than that. It’s fear. (Oh, and by the way I entered the race & ran the entire thing! Longest I’ve run in a long time.)

I think I have a lot of versions of this phenomenon of fear. Vanilla, chocolate, … oh wait, we were talking about fear. I say phenomenon because really, what the hell do I have to be fearful about? The battle has been won over my soul and every day brings me closer to that place where every tear will be wiped away. And still fear wells up inside and cripples me from moving forward a lot of times. This fits neatly into the performance cycle of my life like so: fear cripples me & causes me to sabotage good things in my life (see Issues of Worthiness, Pg. 1) so I half-ass. But I feel guilty for half-assing and must then prove my worthiness once more by performance. That only lasts so long ‘til the fear gives way to being the louder voice once more. And then the cyclical saga continues.

“What fears?” you ask. Great question. I think there are a bunch. Fear of commitment, Fear of failure, Fear of being known, Fear of loving & being loved, Fear of rejection.

Phew! The exhaustive list makes me look like I probably live in some reclusive, dark hole in the ground, however we all know I am a fully-functioning and socially-adept individual. Now that the psychology of my life is fully analyzed, what now.

Grace enters and this verse brings comfort. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me. He drew me out of the deep waters.” -Psalm 18:16

AND… there is always C.R.

Thanks for humoring me by reading this.

Needy Pants over and out.

that's HOT

although I must admit I have succomb to adding this Paris Hilton-inspired buzz term into my vernacular, the cultural implication of it still urks me.

not really the saying itself, but just what it represents... we are a society obsessed with physical attractiveness...to the degree that inanimate objects are labeled "hot". But don't take my word for it, numbers speak louder than I ever could:
"Each year, billions of dollars are spent in the quest to come just a bit closer to our culture's ideal beauty: $20 billion on cosmetics; $2 billion on hair products; $74 billion on diet foods." [Wanting To Be Her, by Michelle Graham]

And not to mention the industry that is alive and thriving b/c women want a more permanent "fix" to their "flaws"... Plastic Surgery. Melanie Griffith has spent over $50,000 on plastic surgery; Baywatch legend Pamela Anderson admits to having had multiple liposuctions & enlarging her breasts.

Oh, and did I mention that the average North American woman is 5 foot 3 inches tall and weighs 152 pounds. The average model is 5 foot 9 inches and weighs 110 pounds. In the past three decades, most Miss America winners had a body mass index that lies within the range of malnutrition. Explain that to the kids in Sudan, unwillingly suffering from malnutrition. I can just picture me sitting in the dirt with a skinny little African girl:
ME: "yeah, back home there are some people who choose to starve themselves so that they look skinnier"
Little African Girl: "but don't they have food they can eat?"
ME: "yes, but they care more about what their body looks like than the food."
Little African Girl: "I wish I could have the food that they have but don't want"
ME: "I wish you could too"

Tears.

It's sick really.

And what really makes me sick is the driving force with which we are running towards this mirage on the horizon. We compare ourselves to eachother while the rest of the world starves. It's estimated by the United Nations Development Program that basic health and nutritional needs of the world's poorest people could be met for an additional $13 billion a year. American and Europeon pet lovers spend more than that each year on pet food!!!

I was talking with some guy friends tonight and my heart left feeling heavy that the effects of our culture can even be felt in what solid, Christian men are looking for in someone that they date. "Integrity, rooted in her faith... oh and HOT". Awesome... really reinforces to us women where true value lies. If "hot" is among one of the top 3 values for most Christian men, what message does that communicate to us ladies? To me it says "Jesus PLUS I need to strive toward looking good on the outside." Call me Crazy, but shouldn't the message just be "Jesus"?

I understand the role of being attracted to your future mate and I think that has its place, but attractiveness rooted solely in some outward persona which has diminishing returns seems to weigh alot more heavily than it should if we are to be a people "in the world but not of it". In most of my interactions with Christian men, though their pursuits are a little more redeemed, I still see the quest for a trophy wife.

Just as we've bought the lies our society feeds us as women, so also, our brothers have bought the lies about beauty and perpetuate them in their apathy to be set apart in what they value in women. Flesh drives them just as much as it drives men who have not been redeemed by the blood of our Savior... it's just that now its spiritualized & maybe even tampered a bit.

In NO way am I trying to shift the responsibility of this on our Christian brothers... but I do think that they play a vital role in our freedom from the lie that we've bought: "physical beauty equals happiness". Dream with me for a moment... if our Christian brothers were to unite and encourage us more intentionally in the areas of integrity, character, fruits of the Spirit, matters of the heart, ambition, etc. .... I think it would have a huge impact on us. Even more than they realized.

If the values of our Christian brothers could be felt and given a louder voice than the things the world values and holds high, I think there could be potential for much freedom from the chains we carry around under the weight of expectation of what an "ideal woman" is.

And maybe it will take us, sisters, to bear our souls and be real about our struggles in the area of Body Image & Comparison. Through our authenticity maybe the scales will fall from the men around us whose lust for worldly standards of beauty still creates a false lens through which they view and value women. O, how I wish they would stand and fight for our souls and realize the depth of shame so many of us feel in a world of comparison.

Check out this link:

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/flat4.asp?id=6909

That's all I got for today. Thanks for tuning in