Thanksgiving :

Just another day to express my gratitude for what Christ accomplished. And the more His love transforms me, the more Thanksgiving becomes just an ordinary day and just another opportunity to praise Him in all things.

I was meditating on verses of thanks and gratitude and in more instances than not gratitude is a command. And God's Word says that if we fail to heed this command, even the rocks will cry out in praise (Luke 19). But somehow I think we get it in our heads that we are going to wake up on Turkey Day to the smell of thousands of calories waiting to be consumed, and somehow we are going to conjure up an 'attitude of gratitude' as we spend time those in our life that are generally hardest to love. But any amount of 'conjuring' is indicative of inauthentic gratitude. True gratitude is a choice of humility that springs forth from the heart of one who recognizes their need for a Savior. And we all sense the disparity between authentic and inauthentic gratitude... or I'll speak for myself, I sense this. I watch movies that display the idealistic American Thanksgiving.. everyone sitting around the table...resounding in heartfelt thanks. And then I contrast that to reality. There is a chasm that forms between the idealistic and the realistic, and though I know that I am an eternal idealist by nature (sometimes to my detriment), some part of me still feels that there is something right, true and good in what I see on T.V.

I look to God's Word and see that there is something right, true and good about the idealistic icon of the American Thanksgiving, however it is merely a reflection...a glimpse... of what is Right, True and Good. "For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true" (Ephesians 5:9) God defines these things that we desperately want to be a part of. Getting to know Him is experiencing them...and not just on Thanksgiving, every moment of every day. I release a big sigh of relief when my idealistic self runs away with me again, and I remember that any idealism...any desire for ultimate Good to triumph, has already been resolved in the person of Jesus. There is no need for me to conjure, just to breathe (Let everything that has breath praise the Lord...Psalm 150)

Gratitude is so much more than an emotion-based response to one day out of the year when we reflect briefly about our "blessings" and then go watch the games. No - gratitude is a choice... a choice that we make every moment of every day, regardless of circumstance. A choice of fixing our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. A choice of Christ above the lusts of our flesh. A choice to die so that He might be greater in us. Yes - gratitude is far deeper, far more painful at times, far more real than a nationally celebrated holiday or a fleeting emotion.

And from the grateful heart flows fruit : there is love there, there is joy...there is peace & patience & kindness & goodness & faithfulness & gentleness & self-control. The tree that bears this fruit is a life well-aware of its Savior & a life that sings of gratitude.

And gratitude is not an after-thought. It becomes the essence of one who chooses it. Like the life of my sweet sister (in Christ) Karen, who's husband is battling cancer right now. She sees with clarity that gratitude is a choice... a choice that rescues her and frees her and gives her strength amidst the painful, confusing, and dark circumstances that threaten to engulf her with fear, anxiety and bitterness. She gets that the humbling task of gratitude is a light yoke compared to the weight of what results when it is not chosen. She gets that the pain and uncertainty in her life are not ultimate... that God is sovereign. And she gets that by choosing to focus on all she has in Christ and taking the thoughts captive that call her to wander towards disillusionment, comparison, and despair... life can be experienced fully and abundantly even in the midst of trial. This is genuine Thanksgiving and Karen's life exudes it.

Every time I talk to Karen I am amazed and spurred on. Every day is thanksgiving for her. Sometimes it's a tear-filled, heart-wrenching, feeble expression of thanks... other days it's joyful laughter. But what it never is, is a victim or response to circumstance. May that encourage you as it has me, to not simply set aside one day out of the year but to set aside our hearts every day besie the altar of thanksgiving.

Some great quotes to ponder as you give Thanks today and always:

"Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road." [John Henry Jowett]

"In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich." [Dietrich Bonhoeffer]

"We would worry less if we praised more. Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontent and dissatisfaction." [Harry A. Ironside]

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." [William Arthur Ward]

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord" [Psalm 150:6]

"Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift." [Apostle Paul - 2 Corinthians 9:15]

"By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name." [Hebrews 13:15]

America/Rwanda discussion, continued...

Of course my intentions to write on here are always so optimistic that reality has a hard time keeping up. This is continued discussion from my emails and more lengthy observations from my recent trip to Rwanda....

Like I stated in my email, I think the majority of Westerners that travel to less developed countries like Rwanda arrive thinking “those poor people.” However, as I depart, I return home thinking that more of Americans. Don’t hear me wrong, I am not in any way minimizing the atrocities that a lot of African countries experience such as genocide, starvation & epidemic. In fact, most of the people I spent time with here shared heart-wrenching stories of survival, loss, displacement, and destruction. But the flip side of that pain is they are a people of true contentment with what they have and their lives exude more joy than most American believers I know (including myself). They do not point fingers in blame, they take the pain that comes their way and remain committed. Our concept of commitment in America is motivated by reward. We commit because of what we will get out of something and once that which we have invested in isn’t giving us the returns we had hoped for, we move on to something else or find things to distract and entertain us. Take marriage for instance…one would only need to look at our divorce rate to see this played out.

We are a society in need of constant entertainment/distraction lest we face the realities of our hearts. Rwandans don’t have things to distract or entertain, so they are forced to face the Truth..not run from it. And they are better for it. We have everything and yet nothing all at the same time. Our suicide rates continue to climb. Our depression rates continue to climb. Prescriptions for depression medications continue to climb. Divorce rates are at an all-time high. Our youth is out of control with boredom created by a narcissistic culture. Our lusts for the proverbial carrot on the string leave our hearts discontent and unable to enjoy the God who saved us. We are so consumed with proving something to the world and providing for ourselves that we miss out on experiencing God’s daily provision and we rarely experience Him as Savior, though we claim Him to be. How can we see our need for a Savior when we busy ourselves (with neglect to everyone and everything around us) looking out for number 1?

The Rwandan society is communal versus the individualistic society which we are all familiar with. Things which we can find “frustrating” in cultures like this where “African time” is not quite the same as the rigid time-schedules most of us keep as Americans, I have grown to love and appreciate in my time here. It is beautiful to me that one can be on his way somewhere here and if he runs into a friend, the opportunity to engage in relationship just became more important than wherever it was he was going. A lot more of a picture of Heaven if you ask me. Logically, it makes sense that relationships would supersede schedules in this thing called life, but somewhere along the way the enemy convinced us otherwise and the effects of isolation are trickling out and slowly killing us. Our concern is not physical genocide… it is emotional, spiritual, relational genocide and its death is slow. Our bank accounts are full but the rest of our lives are mediocre at best.

The Word says, “where our treasure is, there our heart will be also.” So…where is your treasure stored up? Are you tossing in all of your chips in complete dependence on God, or have you bought the lies of self-sufficiency, self-dependency and nicknamed them “responsibility”? I hear a lot of American believers (when confronted with the reality of their unsurrendered heart) justify it by saying, “yeah, well God calls us to be wise stewards and afterall…he gave us a brain, right?” This is a well-articulated attempt to justify living in lies because deep down they know the Truth. The Truth is that God’s call for us to be “wise stewards” was never to the expense of relationship. Wisdom flows from Truth. And Truth is found in the light… in God. If then, we yoke ourselves to worldly institutions and call that “wisdom” than we are no longer living in the Truth and therefore can no longer be “wise stewards.” Any effort on our part to be so is merely religious…like the Pharisees, our hearts are far from him. Or like Martha, we neglect to sit at His feet but busy ourselves in His name.

I was discussing this with Celestin and he noted that because the concept of community is so foreign to most Americans who are raised to look out for number one, we are indeed poor. We have everything at our fingertips and yet our lives are void of the stuff in life that really matters. Materially rich yet emotionally, spiritually and relationally poor sounds a lot worse off to me than materially poor, yet emotionally, spiritually and relationally rich. Don’t get me wrong… I think there is much opportunity for Americans to be God’s hands and feet throughout Rwanda and around the globe and in fact it is our responsibility to hold loosely what God has blessed us with so that He might use us. But compassion for others is proportionate to God’s sovereignty in our lives. The less defined our lives are by the institutions of the world (economics, politics, religion) and the more our lives are defined by Jesus…the more free our hearts are to love others. I think that is why Rwandans…especially Rwandan believers lead such rich lives. They give of what they have b/c they see everything they have as a gift. In giving their lives freely they experience freedom. We seek to find freedom in retirement or financial success… but the quest to get us to that place nearly kills us along the way and it destroys the relationships around us. One by one we burn bridges and finally we arrive… on an island alone. That proverbial carrot is no longer dangling and it doesn’t taste near as sweet as we thought it would.

The Rwandan culture has also taught me much about committment, faithfulness, and joy. In America, I think we confuse joy with happiness and as a result our experience of God remains in the shallow waters of the kiddie pool. God is unconcerned with our happiness...his concern is our holiness. Pleasure and comfort have become the false gods of our day and because so much of culture worships them, their influence even creeps into our relationship with the One True God. Though we would hardly articulate it outloud, we often measure God's goodness in our lives as directly proportionate to our happiness. When we adopt this mindset, we tend to project a false notion of Christianity to the watching world b/c we make God out to be a cosmic rabbit's foot.

As I talked to Celestin further regarding the differences between American society & Rwandan society, a couple other things he said he has a hard time understanding about America was kidnapping & serial killers. There is no concept of these things in Rwanda. I thought about it for a little bit and told him that I think these things are pervasive in America because of isolation. In Rwanda, neighborhoods are communities and if you live in close proximity to each other that is a free ticket into eachother’s lives. In America, we hardly know the neighbor next door. People can’t get away with kidnapping or serial killing in Rwanda, because those around them would know. It is so easy to isolate in the Western world that people can get away with these extreme acts of violence and still remain unnoticed. And most of the time the people who perpetrate these acts are victims of isolation themselves.

This all is a little jumbled b/c I'm tired and haven't had time to edit and make it eloquent. If you've read all this, you are a brave soul indeed.

I guess I wanna wrap up by saying that there is not one right way. There are positives and negatives to both societal structures and cultures, so it is critical to remember that there is much we can learn from each other. The tapestry God is weaving is made up of diverse colors of thread and we get a glimpse of its beauty when we can appreciate the spectrum of hues that collide to tell His story.

RWANDA

Well... I'm off on the journey that I've been anticipating for so long. It's very surreal at this point, but I'm sure by the time I arrive in Nairobi tomorrow night, jet lag will have made it very real!

More to come. Stay tuned & journey with me.

30 days of prayer

Most of you tuning in know of the ongoing saga with my stomach's alter ego, otherwise known as Petey (the Parasite). After a lifetime of stomach trouble, I have gone down just about every avenue available in efforts to alleviate my "stomach issues" (details spared). And though I've experienced little to no improvement (physically), the life lessons I've learned along the way have been invaluable:
1. there is no quick fix. and all who proclaim quick fixes are short-lived.
2. there is freedom in discipline. in my immaturity, i used to think freedom and discipline were opposing eachother
3. the details of my life are not arbitrary to God...good, bad, or ugly... everything runs through His sovereign hand. If He is allowing something in my life, I can trust that there is purpose and intention in it
4. God alone is my healer. And I may never experience full healing until I see Him and He hands me my new rockstar body.
5. if you're gonna be proactive instead of reactive in life, everything must run through the grid of scripture
6. society teaches us to protect our outer man while our inner man is dying. scripture tells us that God makes us new from the inside out. the choice becomes: keep up the facade and die inside -or- submit and live
7. God is most glorified when everything has gone wrong, and He's enough.
8. i choose who my Master will be. i can enslave myself to the frustration of living with a highly emotional stomach and become a victim -or- i can enslave myself to Christ and become a conqueror. Satan can't rob my joy unless I let him.
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all this to say, what Satan intended for harm, God has used for good. And I know that in a perfect world without sin and stain, my stomach would be free of its insecurities and would work as it was designed to. so until that day when Petey will no longer plague me, I say God is good.

My efforts to be intentional about praying specifically for physical healing over the next 30 days is not so much a plea as it is just a conscious committment to actively put my trust in God instead of the plethora of quick fix remedies on the market. Tune in for my updates and pray with me!
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8.28.2008: As I was praying this morning, the Lord showed me where I am allowing fear to create anxiety and worry in my life about my upcoming overseas trips. My fear is that I am going to be forced to eat things (i.e. Gluten) that I know make me sick. I ran across this verse in Matthew 6: 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
I rob myself of they joy of experiencing God as my Provision when a. I allow worry/fear to consume me and b. when I am too busy trying to provide for myself.

9.3.2008: I read Mark1:40-42 this morning where the leper falls before Jesus saying "if you want to you can heal me". The text says that Jesus was deeply moved by the man and He responds with "I want to. Be healed." This is an encouraging verse for me, especially on the days I feel that my prayers travel no further than my ceiling. God wants to heal me...and in fact already has in Christ. Although God may withhold healing from me while on this earth, it is not a matter of His lack of desire. In an instant He could touch my stomach & make it whole again, but for whatever reasons He doesn't I can still trust that He wants to. Therefore, His restraint just as much as His healing is His story for me. My God is not arbitrary...seems to be my mantra these days. Praise to Him

9.13.2008: Of course, my intentions were to update this every few days. I guess every 10 days will have to suffice. Although I haven't updated here since 9/3, my prayers for healing have continued. And as I was reading in Luke this morning about the woman who was healed after 12 years of hemorrhaging by just the touch of Jesus' cloak, my heart was stirred by this story (found in Luke 8: 43-48). The simplicity of the woman's faith is humbling. She didn't clean herself up or go through any sort of ritual so that Jesus might heal her. She came to Him as she was. Weak. In need. Broken. And in complete confidence that Jesus was the only one that could heal her. Scripture says that she had spent every penny she had on doctors (sounds familiar) and none could help her. She heard Jesus was coming and placed her sole faith in Him as her Healer. She knew if she could just get close enough to touch even his cloak, that His power could stop her bleeding. She didn't care what people thought, even though she was 'unclean' and she knew she would be receiving some condescending looks if she were to enter the crowd of people. But she laid all that aside, and reaching out she closed her eyes and touched his cloak as he passed. At once her body felt whole. The bleeding had stopped. Jesus felt the power go out from Him and asked "who touched me?" She was scared but came forward. Jesus responded "Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed." (The Message). May I take that same risk and be found as bold as this woman.

9.20.2008: I've had a bit of a "crisis of faith" the last few days. I haven't been taken the matter of my stomach before the Lord & have allowed my heart to settle into frustration. I have moments where I feel exhausted with the pre-occupation caused by the chronic pain in my gut, the anxiety of continuously questioning what I should/shouldn't eat, the doubt that I'm ever going to see relief, and the frustration that there seems to be no pattern. It makes me want to throw my hands in the air and resign to eating whatever I feel like at the moment. But even in my frustration the Lord speaks tenderly to me, reminding me that this earth suit is going to be made whole one day and teaching me that my current pain is producing depenedence on him and faith in what is to come.



9.29.08: I just got done reading...correction, listening to the audiobook of....The Shack. I intend to blog further about what the Lord accomplished in me through that book...it is one of the most beautifully articulated pictures of The Trinity I have ever encountered. One thing I got a firmer grasp on through The Shack was God's bigger purposes through our pain. He is not the orchistrator of pain, pain is a result of our fallen state & sometimes of our choices, but He uses the pain as pieces of thread in the great tapestry He is weaving. This is a comfort to me.

thoughts on singleness...

more thoughts on a conversation I had with a friend recently....

I hear ya on the "single friends dropping like flies" comment! Just wait until the "Friends Having Babies" Phase! Its very surreal. I attended a baby shower for a friend from high school that is two years younger than me...I, of course, am so happy for her & her impending motherhood, but I left that day praising the Lord with where He has me and just knowing that that lifestyle is not what He has for me right now. And I'm okay with it. It's funny though... running back into friends from high school (most of which are married with kids by now) and the first question is "Are you dating anyone?" I know it's just an innocent question on their part, but I do find it almost comical that society as a whole doesn't really know what to do with you if you get to be 27 and are just content being single.

Either culture wants to turn it into one big excuse to self-indulge...encouraging you to "be independent, continue to keep your options open, and hey, you still have the freedom to party". Subtly insinuating that committment is a negative thing. -OR- Christian circles want to turn it into a performance-driven preparation for what's to come. Handing you a long check-list of things to accomplish so that you are "ready".

Either way, it's postponing living in the moment and having faith that single or not single, God is unchanging, Good, and in-control. I think for so many women (I won't speak for men), the whole issue of singleness really all comes down to control. Are we going to allow society to control our mindset during this season by engaging in temporary fixes that keep us distracted & self-absorbed -OR- allow false Christian doctrine to make God into some reactionary being who we can control by checking all the boxes -OR- are we gonna trust He's never left His throne, He is intimately acquainted with us and His will for us at any point in time is for our eventual joy and His glory.

Trust in Him is the only thing that gives us freedom to be content where we are at & to keep the focus off of us.

Ha...After reading this it makes me sound like I am just blissfully floating through singleness.. not the case. It is a battle and I definitely would love to be married sometimes...though suburbia life makes me wanna throw up a little in my mouth. I kinda picture traveling the world w/ my husband...with kids in tow as more of my speed.

Anyway...all that to say God is good and it's not a matter of where we are at in life relative to where someone else is at...it's where He has us and so its good. God doesn't ever get the "Teacher's Pet" mentality & play favorites so it is never a matter of comparison. See Romans chapters 9-11. I may not like it sometimes, but I have to believe that God is not arbitrary in allowing it. He is a God of details...a God of initimacy...so these little glitches where I can find myself asking "God, where were you in that situation or circumstance?".... must all be somehow weaving together b/c God doesn't have "senior moments" or momentary lapses of judgement. He does everything with intention and purpose. And some of those purposes I will not know until at last I am Home.

My hang-up sometimes comes with the not-knowing-and-still-trusting though. I must trust that despite not knowing or understanding the "whys" that God is worthy of my trust. That He isn't some abusive control freak who gets kicks out of allowing me to see only bits and pieces. He is not manipulative in His power and I can fully trust His authority in my life. That is good news for me, a person who struggles alot with lingering issues with authority figures as a result of my upbringing.

And this is also Good news because it frees me from the Shame-Performance cycle of feeling like I must not be worthy enough to be blessed with a husband yet so I must get busy proving my worth and value as an ambassador for Christ so that I can be rewarded. What a flawed view of God and Singleness for so many reasons: a. Pride in thinking that my actions/ my works determine God's next move in my life (like me and God are playing some Cosmic Chess Game) b. again Prideful and ASSuming that marriage is what God has next for me. What if it's not and what if I don't even have tomorrow? There are endless possibilities for how my life story could play out, so why would I modify my lifestyle now around only one potential outcome? c. because I want to hang on to control and trust in myself and what I think/want/feel. d. emotions (perpetuated by Hollywood) are given way to loud a voice. e. because we "feel" like something might be right or good, God owes it to us. We adopt the mentality of an ungrateful teenager and our bratty requests to God are a slap in the face to the Cross. Its what God can do for us, and there is no sacrifice or death to self on our part. [INSERT] major problems with the church here. (see Prosperity Gospel).

I was listening to a Matt Chandler sermon recently that ties all this in very nicely. Check it out HERE. http://www.thevillagechurch.net/resources/sermons.html
Scroll down and the sermon is called "Hope in Real Life", dated 5/25/08



Okay...I'm done.

The Whale

Someone sent this to me in an email forward, which somehow bypassed my Trash folder where all of the other forwards are lovingly sent on their merry way. For you animal lovers, like myself, this is a beautiful tale of friendship and gratitude that is endearing.
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If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her - a very dangerous proposition.

One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around--she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
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This brings tears to my eyes for two reasons:
1. I am a sucker for animal stories like this. You don’t ever want to be beside me in a movie where an animal dies or gets hurt.
2. I am blessed to have friends that are voices of Hope and reflections of Joy, and whose hands and feet are used by our gracious God in the tedious work of untangling me from life’s hurts & my own self-absorption. Because of you, I’m free to swim.

Insecurity-Discontent-Comparison: a deadly conglomerate

I've recently been hanging out some with an acquaintance of mine, Discontent. Perhaps, you are acquainted with him too... slightly bothersome but strangely alluring fellow that always seems to show up at the most inconvenient times. There is something initially inviting about Discontent, perhaps his loyalty, but each time we hang out I always leave feeling like the life has been sucked from me. Like the other day when I intended to make a quick stop to re-fill a perfume bottle and I look over to see Discontent walking my way (at least I saw him coming this time, usually he blind sides me). I quickly dashed behind one of the make-up counters and pretended to be really interested in blush all of the sudden. I avoided him for a little bit, but eventually he found me and of course all he ever wants to do is talk about the latest and greatest. Not too long after that we ran into Discontent's associate, Comparison. Comparison is even more of a gossip than Discontent, but they feed off of each other like parasites. They have an interesting relationship and usually you know that if one is around, the other is somewhere near. Comparison is a classic "Chatty Cathy". Sometimes I even wonder if she stops to come up for air. But Discontent always encourages her, mostly listening and agreeing, but also throwing in his pessimistic two cents. Their narcissistic personalities seem to work well together and their business is thriving here in Dallas. Their under-the-radar operation is endorsed by the most elite corporations and they recenty formed a merger with Northpark Mall. But their success can be largely attributed to the brains of the whole operation, Insecurity. Insecurity is a behind-the-scenes, often very elusive character and because he has been around so long, people usually don't even realize that they've been with him. He is extremely introverted and a bit of a wallflower, so he is easy to overlook. Almost everyone is acquainted with Insecurity, but very few people admit they even know of him because there is such a stigma with his name. And while Insecurity remains independent of Discontent and Comparison, he provides the driving force of everything they accomplish.

So, after an hour of listening to Discontent and Comparison go on and on the other day, I finally just got up and left. I'm sure they perceived that as rude, but even just that short amount of time spent with them began to drain the life from me so I didn't care. I needed fresh air. It felt good to take a stand against their meaningless chitchat that was wasting my time. In the past, they used to be my constant companions, but the more time I spend apart from them, the more obvious it becomes that they are a detriment to my soul. Truth and Grace are a couple new friends of mine, and the more I hang out with them, the less I want to be around Discontent and Comparison. The saying goes that "you are what you hang around." The depth of friendship and the life that I find with Truth and Grace makes me a better person, which I could never say about Discontent, Comparison, or Insecurity.


"The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy but I have come that you may have life and life to the full." - Jesus
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-- Where have you recently crossed paths with Discontent? At work? With your spouse? With your friends? When you look in the mirror?

-- Is Insecurity an acquaintance that you haven't admitted to? Where is Insecurity robbing you of life because you allow it to remain in the shadows of your heart? Who can you be real with today about the Insecurity in your life?

-- What voices of Comparison have you been listening to for far too long? What Truth can you replace that voice with? (See Colossians 3:1-4 as a starting place)

-- What other things/ people have you been hanging around that are slowly draining life from you? Why do you keep returning to them? Who/ What can you begin to replace those toxic environments/relationships with so that you are filled with the abundant Life Jesus promised? What is stopping you?

a day in the life of a sinner

Alcohol-flavored Escapism and Diminishing Conviction
Fabricated Perception, hiding behind Idolatrous Pretensions
Conditioned Reactions, based on Covetous Illusions
Leading to Quiet Desperation underneath Evil Oppression

Religious Affiliation, void of Heartfelt Intention
Self-Imposed Deception, caused by Worldly Comparison
Creating Spiritual Devastation and Bankrupt Passion
Caving to the Opposition, Treacherous Submission

Disguising Perpetration as Inconsequential Diversion
While Mocking the Provision
For my soul’s Rebellion

Adulterous Decisions and Prideful Perversions
All for Self-Preservation and Superficial Protection
A Paralyzed Condition
Of Lifeless Contradiction
Who will lead me to freedom?

Chaos scatters
Hope enters
Redemption covers
It is finished

unexpected afternoon

I just hung out with a homeless man named Larry for about an hour. I passed by him on my way back to work after leaving lunch with a friend. He was walking down Pearl St... two plastic sacks in hand filled with garbage & dirty towels and sweat collecting underneath his bearded face and two layers of clothing in the 100 degree heat.

On most days I might have passed by and felt some sort of sympathy, but I wouldn't have stopped. Today was different. Just last night I watched a movie called Conversations with God. The theology of the movie was weak, but the man's story left me in tears. He was homeless before writing a book called Coversations with God which quickly became one of the New York Times bestsellers, and took him from rags to riches, selling over 7 million copies and translated into 34 different languages. It got me thinking about people's stories & how much we devalue and overvalue people just based on our perceptions of them. We put all homeless guys in a box...making assumptions because its safer to remain at a distance.

So I prayed last night that God would use me somehow to be an agent of hope to those that are hopeless. Incase y'all have discovered this for yourselves, God answers prayers. Sometimes faster than we would prefer.

So I'm leaving lunch and headed to get some work done when I see a guy walking beside my car. Immediately, I feel the Spirit whispering "stop". The dialogue went something like this:
Spirit: "Stop"
Me: "Huh...what? Why? What am I gonna say?"
Spirit: "Stop"
Me: "Oh man. Lord, what if he attacks me or something? That's probably not a smart idea?"
Spirit: "Stop"
Me: "But Lord, I am suppose to be working. Is that really being a wise steward of my time?"
Spirit: "Stop and offer him a drink."
Me: "ALRIGHT!... I'm turning around. This BETTER be your voice I'm listening to."

While this dialogue is going on, I run into the gas station and grab him a cold drink. I pull up beside him and offer him the drink. He accepts with a big smile on his face and starts to walk away. I tell him to wait and ask him his name. He tells me it's Larry and I stuck out my hand, "Mine's Brooke." He looked at my hand for a few seconds and then shook it graciously like it had been a while since someone exchanged this token of greeting with him. "So, Larry. What's your story?" I asked. He let down his guard a bit and began to see that I was genuinely interested. I think sometimes all people need is just another person to look through outer appearances into their soul. We can all be that for eachother if we take the labels off and just get to know who's underneath. Some people won't let you see what's underneath because they are too busy hiding it. In my opinion, those people are in a worse position than Larry.

Larry preceded to tell me, very articulately, about his days in Vietnam and about the series of events that brought him to the streets of Dallas. After talking with him for a bit and seeing that he was as harmless as a grandpa, I asked "would you like to come into the air-conditioning?" (Some of you Safety Sams may be thinking... "what on earth were you thinking?" I don't know how to reassure you that the Spirit just gave me a sense of peace about the whole thing and I knew it was gonna be okay). Larry hesitated, "Are you sure its okay?", as if it had been a while since someone treated him with dignity. I'm sure it had been a while.

So he jumped in the passenger side and immediately the putrid smell from the rotten belongings he carried with him filled my car. I guess that's what sacrifice looks like sometimes... it pushes the envelope of our comfort zone a little...it doesn't always smell like roses. I think especially in the West, we have some glamorized view of service or philanthropy because we watch Hollywood make adopting foreign babies and raising AIDS awareness look sexy. Doing good in the world seems appealing as long as we look good doing it. But to truly be an agent of hope, we must come down off our high horses. You can't get to know people's stories when you are looking down at them... the perspective changes when you are eye to eye. So...in some small way I guess my sense of smell was my "cross to bear" today. It's the least I could offer.

We laughed and talked about Jesus. Larry seemed to have a more profound understanding of Grace than I do, and I hope our time was as encouraging to him as it was to me. He told me about his wife and about is regret in losing her to the alcoholism that ran his life for so many years before AA. He told me, "Yeah, man took the bottle and then the bottle took the man."
Larry and I talked about my story of Grace. I told him there was no reason that I'm not in his shoes or in the shoes of some orphan in Africa... the only reason I'm not is because of Grace. And even though I don't know what it's like to be homeless, I've been saved from my own depravity and that's just as much a testimony of God's goodness, mercy, and grace because even though the face of sin in my life looks different, the stain of sin was still the same.

I drove Larry downtown to The Bridge (a new shelter) and got him connected with a buddy who works with homeless folks down there. I only hope that Larry will pursue these resources....it's hard when people get to that level in life because as much as you wanna believe change for them, unless they start to believe it for themselves, the cycle will continue. Larry and I parted ways. He thanked me "for bringing hope into his life today." I started to cry and said "its the least I could do." I gave him what I had incase he needed to catch a bus or something. I plan on visiting him at The Bridge. I hope he will be there.

Unexpected Afternoon. Even more unexpected was the blessing that resulted. Life truly is worth living when it's not about us. I'm reminded of that today and I'm better for it. I share this story, not to toot some Good Samaritan horn and not to encourage everyone to visit their local homeless shelter (though it probably wouldn't hurt). But I share it because I was humbled today & lessons of humility are sometimes hard to come by. Thanks for reading.
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"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

published

I've been writing alot lately, I just have yet to put any of it on here. In fact, if I may take a brag moment, I found out that one of my poems is getting published! I'm sure it's some obscure publication, but I must admit it was kinda fun to fill out the "Artist Profile" that they will include with the piece. It even asked for my "Pen Name". I wish I was as creative as Mark Twain. I thought about something having to do with Ireland, since I have a peculiar affinity with anything Irish....with the exception of Guinness of course. Hmmmm... Brooke Ireland. Sounds like a good, hearty pen name to me!

Anyway, here is the poem. It's the abridged and edited version of a poem I wrote a few years ago. A poem about the gods we bow to...hiding in their shadows...not realizing that freedom is only in the light.


Worlds apart from Truth, we hide our hearts from being known
And comparisons perpetuate the lie that we’re alone
One offers her mind, a life of controlled competence
Pushing aside feminine beauty for things more important
Logic and Intellect, the gods that she serves
Form calluses that harden over desires once hers
All tenderness disregarded in the midst of her capable striving
Facades of independence form walls behind which her heart is hiding

Another offers service, her life void of rest
Never content to just be, exhausting herself to be best
Busyness and Obligation, the gods for which she lives
Defined by all she does leaves her with nothing left to give
Her heart is forgotten in the chaos she creates
But because it feels safe, she prefers to remain
She hangs a no trespassing sign over the longings of her heart
And bids farewell to desires of playing the Cinderella part

And yet another offers simply one more pretty face
Chasing mirages found in magazines, True beauty is erased
But do people really see her or just features that she flaunts?
Accumulating external worth to quiet the inner perception that taunts
Glamour and Materialism, the gods of her choice
Allure her with immediacy, but slowly drowned out her voice

All of them searching for something valuable to offer
And wounded by pasts that distort the image in the mirror
Dying inside underneath masks of illusion
Until Redemption intercedes with an unusual conclusion
Hope begins to unveil the shame they feel inside
And Freedom lifts the veil; they no longer have to hide

beloved

The World wants to give me a false confidence,
Hissing Lies of self-worth wrapped in possession, titles, and appearance.
Slithering before my eyes in plain view.
They reduce what I have to offer down to mere objects or niceness.
When I believe them, what I give to others is an Imposter of myself,
Offering only what parts of me I believe are “worthy” and constantly feeling insecure about the rest.
It’s a sick cycle that I’ve been freed of and still I return to it

Something in this death suit I wear doesn’t take You at Your Word.
And the fruit looks so delicious…so I take a bite.
But sweetness turns to bitterness and I find myself hiding.
I make provision for myself with the fig leaves of my choice,
Anesthetizing my shame.
Until Grace appears on the scene,
And innocent blood clothes the deepest parts of me.
You remind me of who I am.
Beloved.

I sheepishly begin to take You at Your Word.
And the mystery of a life redeemed,
Begins to leave a legacy of love in the lives of others.
I offer everything now, not just bits and pieces that satisfy a culture’s incessant craving for more.
I am called “worthy” (and not by merit) and so I am free now to fully love.
No more picking and choosing the parts of me that are presentable.
No more restraint out of fear or insecurity.
No more comparison-induced isolation.
No more lies.
Only Truth that tells me I have much to give because I have been given much.

Which will I believe today?


"Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and His choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life." (From Abba's Child by Brennan Manning)

The Brookecycle

Not to be confused with the bicycle, unicycle, or the like.
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I never thought of myself as a performance-based person until recently. I mean, I know to some degree that we all are because the world defines us by our titles and accomplishments. But, I guess when I think of a performance-driven person, I think of the ultra Type A, perfectionistic, anal-retentive, climbing-the-corporate-America-ladder Types, whose lives are color-coded and neatly organized.

But despite my preconceived notion of what “performance-based” means, the Lord is showing me that I, indeed, wear the performance hat quite often. Though my performance doesn’t result in the quest to be included among Dallas’ elite, it still drives much of my actions. Performance, for me, is not as much to prove something to others, it’s more the insatiable mission to prove to myself that I am worthy afterall. Worthy of what I wonder? I’m not sure.

We all like the feeling of doing something well, don’t get me wrong. But to derive worth from performance is a disappointing treadmill that will drive one mad and not to mention, burn useless calories.

The reason this insight is fresh on my brain this morning is because I was up until nearly 3:00 AM cleaning my house. Well, my house looks kick ass but my heart feels empty. I was struggling yesterday with issues of worth and value…and even stooped to self-loathing the fact that I am single, therefore must be undesirable. Silly… I l-o-v-e my singleness 99% of the time (1% is reserved for wedding attendances & sappy romantic comedy viewings). So all this to say, I was believing a lot of lies…that devil, he knows how to get me every time. I should expect nothing less from him.

Soo…what do I do? I clean. Not just clean, but hyper-clean… AND organize! Not a bad way to over-compensate for my feelings of pathetic-ness, at least it results in productivity as opposed to other coping mechanisms I turn to. But its not always cleaning for me… sometimes it’s distraction –or- signing myself up for more than I can fit in my dayplanner –or- perfectionistic body image goals/desires.

[ENTER] control issues here. Because of this ceaseless drive in me to prove something to myself, I attempt to force or create feelings of worthiness with my own strivings rather than just breathing in the moments as a Beloved Daughter. Control plays out in relationships: false expectations or pressure on others to give me what I need to feel okay with myself. It also plays out in the tight grip I maintain over my body image. My compulsive working out and dieting ended in college, however I still, a lot of times, carry around a mental checks-and-balances that often robs me of joy & of living in the moment.

So there it is…I see how all of my issues collide in to one big cyclical mess. Guilt/Shame/Insecurity (dislike of self) drives me to Performance & Control (i.e. Body Image, Comparison, Perfectionism) which leads to exhaustion, burn out, lack of joy, discontent & a lot of half-assing.

The half-assing issue is huge for me. The Lord is teaching me discipline but it is slow. One would think that with all of these performance-driven tendencies, I would accomplish a lot. I DO a lot (busyness) in avoidance of my inner battles, but my question to myself recently is “do I do things well?”. I think, sadly, a lot of times the answer is “no”.

That brings me to my last and final issue of concern (though I’m sure I’m leaving out some)…the fear in my life. It plays into the cycle as well. It’s like some part of me can’t allow myself to truly go for things…to believe in myself. I saw this played out recently on a small scale. I kept procrastinating signing up for the White Rock ‘N Roll 5-Mile Run at White Rock Lake. I was allowing myself leeway to bail. Non-commitment allowed me that leeway. So I didn’t commit…until I absolutely had to. Then I started thinking about why this silly race (which I wanted to do) cause so much angst inside. I mean the worst thing that could have happened (outside of injury) is I would have had to stop and walk part of the way…was it really just Pride that hindered me from making a confident decision to commit? Maybe partially…but it runs deeper than that. It’s fear. (Oh, and by the way I entered the race & ran the entire thing! Longest I’ve run in a long time.)

I think I have a lot of versions of this phenomenon of fear. Vanilla, chocolate, … oh wait, we were talking about fear. I say phenomenon because really, what the hell do I have to be fearful about? The battle has been won over my soul and every day brings me closer to that place where every tear will be wiped away. And still fear wells up inside and cripples me from moving forward a lot of times. This fits neatly into the performance cycle of my life like so: fear cripples me & causes me to sabotage good things in my life (see Issues of Worthiness, Pg. 1) so I half-ass. But I feel guilty for half-assing and must then prove my worthiness once more by performance. That only lasts so long ‘til the fear gives way to being the louder voice once more. And then the cyclical saga continues.

“What fears?” you ask. Great question. I think there are a bunch. Fear of commitment, Fear of failure, Fear of being known, Fear of loving & being loved, Fear of rejection.

Phew! The exhaustive list makes me look like I probably live in some reclusive, dark hole in the ground, however we all know I am a fully-functioning and socially-adept individual. Now that the psychology of my life is fully analyzed, what now.

Grace enters and this verse brings comfort. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me. He drew me out of the deep waters.” -Psalm 18:16

AND… there is always C.R.

Thanks for humoring me by reading this.

Needy Pants over and out.

friendship

I was overwhelmed recently by the abundance of incredible people in my life. Some that make me laugh... okay, most of my friends make me laugh. How am I friends with such funny people? Well, they say you become what you hang around...hmm. And some that bring joy and gentleness and all of those things that don't come so naturally to my melancholy spirit.

So here is a toast and a big cheers to the richness of true friendship. I'm holding out my mango margarita...
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"As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house anymore. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul."
1 Samuel 18:1-3 New King James Version
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"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Proverbs 18:24 New International Version
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"Make no friendship with a man given to anger,nor go with a wrathful man,or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.Proverbs 22:24-25 New American Standard
If you have find honey, eat just enough,too much of it, and you will vomit.
Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house—too much of you, and he will hate you."
Proverbs 25:16-17 New International Version
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"Better is open rebuke
Than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."
Proverbs 27:5-6 New American Standard
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"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version
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"This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you."
John 15:12-15 New King James Version Bible
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"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."
Prov 17:17 New International Version
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"After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself."
1 Sam 18:1 New International Version
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"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Eccl 4:9-12 New International Version
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"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."
Rom 12:15 New King James Version

FREEFALL TO HOPE

To try to describe the shame in my heart leaves me at a loss for words
A well of darkness
Filled with hatred of self and a deep sense of unworthiness
I'm unsure of its depth
Am I willing to enter the blackness?

I peer over the edge and hear echoes of a little girl's cries
The darkness swallows her in its thickness
Her silhouette is all I can see
How long has she been there?
Something snagged her along the way and time froze
And so she hangs there caught on the nail of pain
Waiting to be rescued

But that requires me to jump and grab hold of her in my descent
And as I freefall with her in my arms, the promise is that You are there at the bottom
Give me freedom from the lie that tells me the darkness is too scary
And give me courage to free this little girl

not a fan of me

[two weeks ago real time]

i spent the day attempting to avoid myself....that's hard to do & requires alot of caffeine. i think i began an addiction to Monster energy drinks today. i consumed two. the back of the can says not to consume more than 3 a day. scary. i don't normally consume things that have words i can't pronounce on the nutrition label.

i filled my time with work, busyness, and distraction... all with the hopes of not facing the realities going on in my heart. my efforts were in vain and as i face the end of another day, i'm saddened by my lack of intimacy with my Savior & my trust in myself to cope with life. oh, how much time i waste and how easily my heart is hardened when i cope with life rather than deal with it.

so now, exhausted by this hamster wheel of my own creation, i finally give up... and find that in surrendering my avoidance tactics i at last find peace. the unrest results from my own striving... but rest comes when i'm finally willing to come to that place where i stop trying to "fix" myself.

i don't have to avoid... i can deal.... and Romans 8 reminds me how.

"With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us. Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." -The Message

i can only life my hands in praise and repentence to You, Father. you did it... its done. i don't have to run. make my view of me, your view of me. i offer You rubbish to say "i love you"

Needy Pants

I’ve gotten a lot of ware out of this term lately, so I have to thank my friend Brandy who introduced me to it. I’ve coined this season of my life my “Needy Pants Season” b/c I feel raw, exposed, and for lack of a better word, needy. The Lord is asking me to move closer and closer to the refining fire, and my life is beginning to look a little less like a cozy campfire and a little more like a burning firestorm. I have come to a fork in the road where the days of remaining a safe distance from the refining fires of Love seem less and less appealing. Instead, the glowing embers have captivated my gaze and my heart is strangely drawn towards them. I want to know that Love fully, and I know that means its going to hurt a little…sometimes alot. I don’t want to stay warm and safe anymore, I’m called to be hot or cold. For so many years, my life has benefited from the heat of these flames but I wouldn’t dare come close and experience them in their fullness. It seemed too risky, and frankly I kind of enjoyed the view from where I sat. I could admire the radiant Light and even point other people in its direction; I could benefit from the heat omitted and join the ranks of like-minded individuals who settle comfortably in mediocrity. My flesh convinced me to shrink back each time I began to feel the heat of sanctification in the past, but I don’t want to shrink back this time. I want to stand here, with my whole desire…in the middle of this forest fire… ‘til there’s nothing left to show… and new life begins to grow (I stole that from Nichole Nordmeman’s “Burnin”).

that's HOT

although I must admit I have succomb to adding this Paris Hilton-inspired buzz term into my vernacular, the cultural implication of it still urks me.

not really the saying itself, but just what it represents... we are a society obsessed with physical attractiveness...to the degree that inanimate objects are labeled "hot". But don't take my word for it, numbers speak louder than I ever could:
"Each year, billions of dollars are spent in the quest to come just a bit closer to our culture's ideal beauty: $20 billion on cosmetics; $2 billion on hair products; $74 billion on diet foods." [Wanting To Be Her, by Michelle Graham]

And not to mention the industry that is alive and thriving b/c women want a more permanent "fix" to their "flaws"... Plastic Surgery. Melanie Griffith has spent over $50,000 on plastic surgery; Baywatch legend Pamela Anderson admits to having had multiple liposuctions & enlarging her breasts.

Oh, and did I mention that the average North American woman is 5 foot 3 inches tall and weighs 152 pounds. The average model is 5 foot 9 inches and weighs 110 pounds. In the past three decades, most Miss America winners had a body mass index that lies within the range of malnutrition. Explain that to the kids in Sudan, unwillingly suffering from malnutrition. I can just picture me sitting in the dirt with a skinny little African girl:
ME: "yeah, back home there are some people who choose to starve themselves so that they look skinnier"
Little African Girl: "but don't they have food they can eat?"
ME: "yes, but they care more about what their body looks like than the food."
Little African Girl: "I wish I could have the food that they have but don't want"
ME: "I wish you could too"

Tears.

It's sick really.

And what really makes me sick is the driving force with which we are running towards this mirage on the horizon. We compare ourselves to eachother while the rest of the world starves. It's estimated by the United Nations Development Program that basic health and nutritional needs of the world's poorest people could be met for an additional $13 billion a year. American and Europeon pet lovers spend more than that each year on pet food!!!

I was talking with some guy friends tonight and my heart left feeling heavy that the effects of our culture can even be felt in what solid, Christian men are looking for in someone that they date. "Integrity, rooted in her faith... oh and HOT". Awesome... really reinforces to us women where true value lies. If "hot" is among one of the top 3 values for most Christian men, what message does that communicate to us ladies? To me it says "Jesus PLUS I need to strive toward looking good on the outside." Call me Crazy, but shouldn't the message just be "Jesus"?

I understand the role of being attracted to your future mate and I think that has its place, but attractiveness rooted solely in some outward persona which has diminishing returns seems to weigh alot more heavily than it should if we are to be a people "in the world but not of it". In most of my interactions with Christian men, though their pursuits are a little more redeemed, I still see the quest for a trophy wife.

Just as we've bought the lies our society feeds us as women, so also, our brothers have bought the lies about beauty and perpetuate them in their apathy to be set apart in what they value in women. Flesh drives them just as much as it drives men who have not been redeemed by the blood of our Savior... it's just that now its spiritualized & maybe even tampered a bit.

In NO way am I trying to shift the responsibility of this on our Christian brothers... but I do think that they play a vital role in our freedom from the lie that we've bought: "physical beauty equals happiness". Dream with me for a moment... if our Christian brothers were to unite and encourage us more intentionally in the areas of integrity, character, fruits of the Spirit, matters of the heart, ambition, etc. .... I think it would have a huge impact on us. Even more than they realized.

If the values of our Christian brothers could be felt and given a louder voice than the things the world values and holds high, I think there could be potential for much freedom from the chains we carry around under the weight of expectation of what an "ideal woman" is.

And maybe it will take us, sisters, to bear our souls and be real about our struggles in the area of Body Image & Comparison. Through our authenticity maybe the scales will fall from the men around us whose lust for worldly standards of beauty still creates a false lens through which they view and value women. O, how I wish they would stand and fight for our souls and realize the depth of shame so many of us feel in a world of comparison.

Check out this link:

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/flat4.asp?id=6909

That's all I got for today. Thanks for tuning in