The Brookecycle

Not to be confused with the bicycle, unicycle, or the like.
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I never thought of myself as a performance-based person until recently. I mean, I know to some degree that we all are because the world defines us by our titles and accomplishments. But, I guess when I think of a performance-driven person, I think of the ultra Type A, perfectionistic, anal-retentive, climbing-the-corporate-America-ladder Types, whose lives are color-coded and neatly organized.

But despite my preconceived notion of what “performance-based” means, the Lord is showing me that I, indeed, wear the performance hat quite often. Though my performance doesn’t result in the quest to be included among Dallas’ elite, it still drives much of my actions. Performance, for me, is not as much to prove something to others, it’s more the insatiable mission to prove to myself that I am worthy afterall. Worthy of what I wonder? I’m not sure.

We all like the feeling of doing something well, don’t get me wrong. But to derive worth from performance is a disappointing treadmill that will drive one mad and not to mention, burn useless calories.

The reason this insight is fresh on my brain this morning is because I was up until nearly 3:00 AM cleaning my house. Well, my house looks kick ass but my heart feels empty. I was struggling yesterday with issues of worth and value…and even stooped to self-loathing the fact that I am single, therefore must be undesirable. Silly… I l-o-v-e my singleness 99% of the time (1% is reserved for wedding attendances & sappy romantic comedy viewings). So all this to say, I was believing a lot of lies…that devil, he knows how to get me every time. I should expect nothing less from him.

Soo…what do I do? I clean. Not just clean, but hyper-clean… AND organize! Not a bad way to over-compensate for my feelings of pathetic-ness, at least it results in productivity as opposed to other coping mechanisms I turn to. But its not always cleaning for me… sometimes it’s distraction –or- signing myself up for more than I can fit in my dayplanner –or- perfectionistic body image goals/desires.

[ENTER] control issues here. Because of this ceaseless drive in me to prove something to myself, I attempt to force or create feelings of worthiness with my own strivings rather than just breathing in the moments as a Beloved Daughter. Control plays out in relationships: false expectations or pressure on others to give me what I need to feel okay with myself. It also plays out in the tight grip I maintain over my body image. My compulsive working out and dieting ended in college, however I still, a lot of times, carry around a mental checks-and-balances that often robs me of joy & of living in the moment.

So there it is…I see how all of my issues collide in to one big cyclical mess. Guilt/Shame/Insecurity (dislike of self) drives me to Performance & Control (i.e. Body Image, Comparison, Perfectionism) which leads to exhaustion, burn out, lack of joy, discontent & a lot of half-assing.

The half-assing issue is huge for me. The Lord is teaching me discipline but it is slow. One would think that with all of these performance-driven tendencies, I would accomplish a lot. I DO a lot (busyness) in avoidance of my inner battles, but my question to myself recently is “do I do things well?”. I think, sadly, a lot of times the answer is “no”.

That brings me to my last and final issue of concern (though I’m sure I’m leaving out some)…the fear in my life. It plays into the cycle as well. It’s like some part of me can’t allow myself to truly go for things…to believe in myself. I saw this played out recently on a small scale. I kept procrastinating signing up for the White Rock ‘N Roll 5-Mile Run at White Rock Lake. I was allowing myself leeway to bail. Non-commitment allowed me that leeway. So I didn’t commit…until I absolutely had to. Then I started thinking about why this silly race (which I wanted to do) cause so much angst inside. I mean the worst thing that could have happened (outside of injury) is I would have had to stop and walk part of the way…was it really just Pride that hindered me from making a confident decision to commit? Maybe partially…but it runs deeper than that. It’s fear. (Oh, and by the way I entered the race & ran the entire thing! Longest I’ve run in a long time.)

I think I have a lot of versions of this phenomenon of fear. Vanilla, chocolate, … oh wait, we were talking about fear. I say phenomenon because really, what the hell do I have to be fearful about? The battle has been won over my soul and every day brings me closer to that place where every tear will be wiped away. And still fear wells up inside and cripples me from moving forward a lot of times. This fits neatly into the performance cycle of my life like so: fear cripples me & causes me to sabotage good things in my life (see Issues of Worthiness, Pg. 1) so I half-ass. But I feel guilty for half-assing and must then prove my worthiness once more by performance. That only lasts so long ‘til the fear gives way to being the louder voice once more. And then the cyclical saga continues.

“What fears?” you ask. Great question. I think there are a bunch. Fear of commitment, Fear of failure, Fear of being known, Fear of loving & being loved, Fear of rejection.

Phew! The exhaustive list makes me look like I probably live in some reclusive, dark hole in the ground, however we all know I am a fully-functioning and socially-adept individual. Now that the psychology of my life is fully analyzed, what now.

Grace enters and this verse brings comfort. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me. He drew me out of the deep waters.” -Psalm 18:16

AND… there is always C.R.

Thanks for humoring me by reading this.

Needy Pants over and out.