unexpected afternoon

I just hung out with a homeless man named Larry for about an hour. I passed by him on my way back to work after leaving lunch with a friend. He was walking down Pearl St... two plastic sacks in hand filled with garbage & dirty towels and sweat collecting underneath his bearded face and two layers of clothing in the 100 degree heat.

On most days I might have passed by and felt some sort of sympathy, but I wouldn't have stopped. Today was different. Just last night I watched a movie called Conversations with God. The theology of the movie was weak, but the man's story left me in tears. He was homeless before writing a book called Coversations with God which quickly became one of the New York Times bestsellers, and took him from rags to riches, selling over 7 million copies and translated into 34 different languages. It got me thinking about people's stories & how much we devalue and overvalue people just based on our perceptions of them. We put all homeless guys in a box...making assumptions because its safer to remain at a distance.

So I prayed last night that God would use me somehow to be an agent of hope to those that are hopeless. Incase y'all have discovered this for yourselves, God answers prayers. Sometimes faster than we would prefer.

So I'm leaving lunch and headed to get some work done when I see a guy walking beside my car. Immediately, I feel the Spirit whispering "stop". The dialogue went something like this:
Spirit: "Stop"
Me: "Huh...what? Why? What am I gonna say?"
Spirit: "Stop"
Me: "Oh man. Lord, what if he attacks me or something? That's probably not a smart idea?"
Spirit: "Stop"
Me: "But Lord, I am suppose to be working. Is that really being a wise steward of my time?"
Spirit: "Stop and offer him a drink."
Me: "ALRIGHT!... I'm turning around. This BETTER be your voice I'm listening to."

While this dialogue is going on, I run into the gas station and grab him a cold drink. I pull up beside him and offer him the drink. He accepts with a big smile on his face and starts to walk away. I tell him to wait and ask him his name. He tells me it's Larry and I stuck out my hand, "Mine's Brooke." He looked at my hand for a few seconds and then shook it graciously like it had been a while since someone exchanged this token of greeting with him. "So, Larry. What's your story?" I asked. He let down his guard a bit and began to see that I was genuinely interested. I think sometimes all people need is just another person to look through outer appearances into their soul. We can all be that for eachother if we take the labels off and just get to know who's underneath. Some people won't let you see what's underneath because they are too busy hiding it. In my opinion, those people are in a worse position than Larry.

Larry preceded to tell me, very articulately, about his days in Vietnam and about the series of events that brought him to the streets of Dallas. After talking with him for a bit and seeing that he was as harmless as a grandpa, I asked "would you like to come into the air-conditioning?" (Some of you Safety Sams may be thinking... "what on earth were you thinking?" I don't know how to reassure you that the Spirit just gave me a sense of peace about the whole thing and I knew it was gonna be okay). Larry hesitated, "Are you sure its okay?", as if it had been a while since someone treated him with dignity. I'm sure it had been a while.

So he jumped in the passenger side and immediately the putrid smell from the rotten belongings he carried with him filled my car. I guess that's what sacrifice looks like sometimes... it pushes the envelope of our comfort zone a little...it doesn't always smell like roses. I think especially in the West, we have some glamorized view of service or philanthropy because we watch Hollywood make adopting foreign babies and raising AIDS awareness look sexy. Doing good in the world seems appealing as long as we look good doing it. But to truly be an agent of hope, we must come down off our high horses. You can't get to know people's stories when you are looking down at them... the perspective changes when you are eye to eye. So...in some small way I guess my sense of smell was my "cross to bear" today. It's the least I could offer.

We laughed and talked about Jesus. Larry seemed to have a more profound understanding of Grace than I do, and I hope our time was as encouraging to him as it was to me. He told me about his wife and about is regret in losing her to the alcoholism that ran his life for so many years before AA. He told me, "Yeah, man took the bottle and then the bottle took the man."
Larry and I talked about my story of Grace. I told him there was no reason that I'm not in his shoes or in the shoes of some orphan in Africa... the only reason I'm not is because of Grace. And even though I don't know what it's like to be homeless, I've been saved from my own depravity and that's just as much a testimony of God's goodness, mercy, and grace because even though the face of sin in my life looks different, the stain of sin was still the same.

I drove Larry downtown to The Bridge (a new shelter) and got him connected with a buddy who works with homeless folks down there. I only hope that Larry will pursue these resources....it's hard when people get to that level in life because as much as you wanna believe change for them, unless they start to believe it for themselves, the cycle will continue. Larry and I parted ways. He thanked me "for bringing hope into his life today." I started to cry and said "its the least I could do." I gave him what I had incase he needed to catch a bus or something. I plan on visiting him at The Bridge. I hope he will be there.

Unexpected Afternoon. Even more unexpected was the blessing that resulted. Life truly is worth living when it's not about us. I'm reminded of that today and I'm better for it. I share this story, not to toot some Good Samaritan horn and not to encourage everyone to visit their local homeless shelter (though it probably wouldn't hurt). But I share it because I was humbled today & lessons of humility are sometimes hard to come by. Thanks for reading.
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"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

published

I've been writing alot lately, I just have yet to put any of it on here. In fact, if I may take a brag moment, I found out that one of my poems is getting published! I'm sure it's some obscure publication, but I must admit it was kinda fun to fill out the "Artist Profile" that they will include with the piece. It even asked for my "Pen Name". I wish I was as creative as Mark Twain. I thought about something having to do with Ireland, since I have a peculiar affinity with anything Irish....with the exception of Guinness of course. Hmmmm... Brooke Ireland. Sounds like a good, hearty pen name to me!

Anyway, here is the poem. It's the abridged and edited version of a poem I wrote a few years ago. A poem about the gods we bow to...hiding in their shadows...not realizing that freedom is only in the light.


Worlds apart from Truth, we hide our hearts from being known
And comparisons perpetuate the lie that we’re alone
One offers her mind, a life of controlled competence
Pushing aside feminine beauty for things more important
Logic and Intellect, the gods that she serves
Form calluses that harden over desires once hers
All tenderness disregarded in the midst of her capable striving
Facades of independence form walls behind which her heart is hiding

Another offers service, her life void of rest
Never content to just be, exhausting herself to be best
Busyness and Obligation, the gods for which she lives
Defined by all she does leaves her with nothing left to give
Her heart is forgotten in the chaos she creates
But because it feels safe, she prefers to remain
She hangs a no trespassing sign over the longings of her heart
And bids farewell to desires of playing the Cinderella part

And yet another offers simply one more pretty face
Chasing mirages found in magazines, True beauty is erased
But do people really see her or just features that she flaunts?
Accumulating external worth to quiet the inner perception that taunts
Glamour and Materialism, the gods of her choice
Allure her with immediacy, but slowly drowned out her voice

All of them searching for something valuable to offer
And wounded by pasts that distort the image in the mirror
Dying inside underneath masks of illusion
Until Redemption intercedes with an unusual conclusion
Hope begins to unveil the shame they feel inside
And Freedom lifts the veil; they no longer have to hide

beloved

The World wants to give me a false confidence,
Hissing Lies of self-worth wrapped in possession, titles, and appearance.
Slithering before my eyes in plain view.
They reduce what I have to offer down to mere objects or niceness.
When I believe them, what I give to others is an Imposter of myself,
Offering only what parts of me I believe are “worthy” and constantly feeling insecure about the rest.
It’s a sick cycle that I’ve been freed of and still I return to it

Something in this death suit I wear doesn’t take You at Your Word.
And the fruit looks so delicious…so I take a bite.
But sweetness turns to bitterness and I find myself hiding.
I make provision for myself with the fig leaves of my choice,
Anesthetizing my shame.
Until Grace appears on the scene,
And innocent blood clothes the deepest parts of me.
You remind me of who I am.
Beloved.

I sheepishly begin to take You at Your Word.
And the mystery of a life redeemed,
Begins to leave a legacy of love in the lives of others.
I offer everything now, not just bits and pieces that satisfy a culture’s incessant craving for more.
I am called “worthy” (and not by merit) and so I am free now to fully love.
No more picking and choosing the parts of me that are presentable.
No more restraint out of fear or insecurity.
No more comparison-induced isolation.
No more lies.
Only Truth that tells me I have much to give because I have been given much.

Which will I believe today?


"Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and His choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life." (From Abba's Child by Brennan Manning)

The Brookecycle

Not to be confused with the bicycle, unicycle, or the like.
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I never thought of myself as a performance-based person until recently. I mean, I know to some degree that we all are because the world defines us by our titles and accomplishments. But, I guess when I think of a performance-driven person, I think of the ultra Type A, perfectionistic, anal-retentive, climbing-the-corporate-America-ladder Types, whose lives are color-coded and neatly organized.

But despite my preconceived notion of what “performance-based” means, the Lord is showing me that I, indeed, wear the performance hat quite often. Though my performance doesn’t result in the quest to be included among Dallas’ elite, it still drives much of my actions. Performance, for me, is not as much to prove something to others, it’s more the insatiable mission to prove to myself that I am worthy afterall. Worthy of what I wonder? I’m not sure.

We all like the feeling of doing something well, don’t get me wrong. But to derive worth from performance is a disappointing treadmill that will drive one mad and not to mention, burn useless calories.

The reason this insight is fresh on my brain this morning is because I was up until nearly 3:00 AM cleaning my house. Well, my house looks kick ass but my heart feels empty. I was struggling yesterday with issues of worth and value…and even stooped to self-loathing the fact that I am single, therefore must be undesirable. Silly… I l-o-v-e my singleness 99% of the time (1% is reserved for wedding attendances & sappy romantic comedy viewings). So all this to say, I was believing a lot of lies…that devil, he knows how to get me every time. I should expect nothing less from him.

Soo…what do I do? I clean. Not just clean, but hyper-clean… AND organize! Not a bad way to over-compensate for my feelings of pathetic-ness, at least it results in productivity as opposed to other coping mechanisms I turn to. But its not always cleaning for me… sometimes it’s distraction –or- signing myself up for more than I can fit in my dayplanner –or- perfectionistic body image goals/desires.

[ENTER] control issues here. Because of this ceaseless drive in me to prove something to myself, I attempt to force or create feelings of worthiness with my own strivings rather than just breathing in the moments as a Beloved Daughter. Control plays out in relationships: false expectations or pressure on others to give me what I need to feel okay with myself. It also plays out in the tight grip I maintain over my body image. My compulsive working out and dieting ended in college, however I still, a lot of times, carry around a mental checks-and-balances that often robs me of joy & of living in the moment.

So there it is…I see how all of my issues collide in to one big cyclical mess. Guilt/Shame/Insecurity (dislike of self) drives me to Performance & Control (i.e. Body Image, Comparison, Perfectionism) which leads to exhaustion, burn out, lack of joy, discontent & a lot of half-assing.

The half-assing issue is huge for me. The Lord is teaching me discipline but it is slow. One would think that with all of these performance-driven tendencies, I would accomplish a lot. I DO a lot (busyness) in avoidance of my inner battles, but my question to myself recently is “do I do things well?”. I think, sadly, a lot of times the answer is “no”.

That brings me to my last and final issue of concern (though I’m sure I’m leaving out some)…the fear in my life. It plays into the cycle as well. It’s like some part of me can’t allow myself to truly go for things…to believe in myself. I saw this played out recently on a small scale. I kept procrastinating signing up for the White Rock ‘N Roll 5-Mile Run at White Rock Lake. I was allowing myself leeway to bail. Non-commitment allowed me that leeway. So I didn’t commit…until I absolutely had to. Then I started thinking about why this silly race (which I wanted to do) cause so much angst inside. I mean the worst thing that could have happened (outside of injury) is I would have had to stop and walk part of the way…was it really just Pride that hindered me from making a confident decision to commit? Maybe partially…but it runs deeper than that. It’s fear. (Oh, and by the way I entered the race & ran the entire thing! Longest I’ve run in a long time.)

I think I have a lot of versions of this phenomenon of fear. Vanilla, chocolate, … oh wait, we were talking about fear. I say phenomenon because really, what the hell do I have to be fearful about? The battle has been won over my soul and every day brings me closer to that place where every tear will be wiped away. And still fear wells up inside and cripples me from moving forward a lot of times. This fits neatly into the performance cycle of my life like so: fear cripples me & causes me to sabotage good things in my life (see Issues of Worthiness, Pg. 1) so I half-ass. But I feel guilty for half-assing and must then prove my worthiness once more by performance. That only lasts so long ‘til the fear gives way to being the louder voice once more. And then the cyclical saga continues.

“What fears?” you ask. Great question. I think there are a bunch. Fear of commitment, Fear of failure, Fear of being known, Fear of loving & being loved, Fear of rejection.

Phew! The exhaustive list makes me look like I probably live in some reclusive, dark hole in the ground, however we all know I am a fully-functioning and socially-adept individual. Now that the psychology of my life is fully analyzed, what now.

Grace enters and this verse brings comfort. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me. He drew me out of the deep waters.” -Psalm 18:16

AND… there is always C.R.

Thanks for humoring me by reading this.

Needy Pants over and out.

friendship

I was overwhelmed recently by the abundance of incredible people in my life. Some that make me laugh... okay, most of my friends make me laugh. How am I friends with such funny people? Well, they say you become what you hang around...hmm. And some that bring joy and gentleness and all of those things that don't come so naturally to my melancholy spirit.

So here is a toast and a big cheers to the richness of true friendship. I'm holding out my mango margarita...
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"As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house anymore. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul."
1 Samuel 18:1-3 New King James Version
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"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Proverbs 18:24 New International Version
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"Make no friendship with a man given to anger,nor go with a wrathful man,or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.Proverbs 22:24-25 New American Standard
If you have find honey, eat just enough,too much of it, and you will vomit.
Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house—too much of you, and he will hate you."
Proverbs 25:16-17 New International Version
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"Better is open rebuke
Than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."
Proverbs 27:5-6 New American Standard
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"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version
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"This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you."
John 15:12-15 New King James Version Bible
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"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."
Prov 17:17 New International Version
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"After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself."
1 Sam 18:1 New International Version
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"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Eccl 4:9-12 New International Version
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"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."
Rom 12:15 New King James Version

FREEFALL TO HOPE

To try to describe the shame in my heart leaves me at a loss for words
A well of darkness
Filled with hatred of self and a deep sense of unworthiness
I'm unsure of its depth
Am I willing to enter the blackness?

I peer over the edge and hear echoes of a little girl's cries
The darkness swallows her in its thickness
Her silhouette is all I can see
How long has she been there?
Something snagged her along the way and time froze
And so she hangs there caught on the nail of pain
Waiting to be rescued

But that requires me to jump and grab hold of her in my descent
And as I freefall with her in my arms, the promise is that You are there at the bottom
Give me freedom from the lie that tells me the darkness is too scary
And give me courage to free this little girl

not a fan of me

[two weeks ago real time]

i spent the day attempting to avoid myself....that's hard to do & requires alot of caffeine. i think i began an addiction to Monster energy drinks today. i consumed two. the back of the can says not to consume more than 3 a day. scary. i don't normally consume things that have words i can't pronounce on the nutrition label.

i filled my time with work, busyness, and distraction... all with the hopes of not facing the realities going on in my heart. my efforts were in vain and as i face the end of another day, i'm saddened by my lack of intimacy with my Savior & my trust in myself to cope with life. oh, how much time i waste and how easily my heart is hardened when i cope with life rather than deal with it.

so now, exhausted by this hamster wheel of my own creation, i finally give up... and find that in surrendering my avoidance tactics i at last find peace. the unrest results from my own striving... but rest comes when i'm finally willing to come to that place where i stop trying to "fix" myself.

i don't have to avoid... i can deal.... and Romans 8 reminds me how.

"With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us. Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." -The Message

i can only life my hands in praise and repentence to You, Father. you did it... its done. i don't have to run. make my view of me, your view of me. i offer You rubbish to say "i love you"