It's been far too long since I've written, which sadly is a reflection of poor priorities lately on my part. Writing, for me, is such a litmus test of where my heart is. When I'm dealing with stuff in my own strength, writing ceases in my life. When I'm trusting the Lord in the season of life I find myself in, my writing amplifies. One can conclude, therefore, that my trust lately has been more centered around my narrow human understanding & emotional instability than on my Heavenly Father who's plans for me are Good & consistent despite my inability to believe this in the midst of circumstances that, to me, seem adverse to trusting Him.
Amongst other things I find myself wrestling with right now, I'd have to say that singleness is at the top of the list somewhere... some days #3 on the list, some days #1.... but it usually always makes at least the Top 10.
In order to express with accuracy where I am at, I'm going to allow the words of someone much more eloquent than I to speak to us here. Her synopsis of The Christian Single Life is not only hilarious but so right on... I could not have said it better. Paige Benton expresses so well the conclusions I have come to in my own life:
Singled Out by God for Good. by Paige Benton
"Had I any vague premonition of my present plight when I was six, I would have demanded that Stephen Herbison (incontestably the catch of the second grade) put his marriage proposal into writing and have it notarized. I do want this piece to be practical, so to all you first-graders: Carpe Diem.
Over the past several years I have perfected the artistry of escape regarding any singles functions-cookouts, conferences, Sunday school classes, and my personal favorite, putt-putt. My avoidance mechanism is triggered not so much by a lack of patience with such activities as it is by a lack of stomach for the pervasive attitudes. Thoreau insists that most men lead lives of quiet desperation; I insist that many singles lead lives of loud aggravation. Being immersed in singles can be like finding yourself in the midst of "The Whiners" of 1980's Saturday Night Live - it gives a whole new meaning to "pity party."
Much has been written in Christian circles about singleness. The objective is usually either to chide the married population for their misunderstanding and segregationism or to empathize with the unmarried population as they bear the cross of "Plan B" for the Christian life, bolstered only by the consolation prizes of innumerable sermons and 1 Corinthians 7 and the fact that you can cut your toenails in bed. Yet singles, like all believers, need scriptural critique and instruction seasoned by sober grace, not condolences and putt-putt accompanied with pious platitudes.
John Calvin’s secret to sanctification is the interaction of the knowledge of God and knowledge of self. Singles, like all other sinners, typically dismiss the first element of the formula, and therein lies the root of all identity crises. It is not that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that life has no tragedy like our God ignored. Every problem is a theological problem, and the habitual discontent of us singles is no exception.
Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of His person – not an attitude but an attribute.
I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corningware. Is God being any less good to me than He is to her? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me because God cannot be less good to me. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of His children. God can no more live in me apart from the perfect fullness of His goodness and grace than I can live in Nashville and not be white. If He fluctuated one quark in His goodness, He would cease to be God.
Warped theology is at the heart of attempts to “explain” singleness:
“As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, He’ll bring someone special into your life” – as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment
“You’re too picky” – as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work
“As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work” – as though God requires emotional martyrs to do His work, of which marriage must be no part.
“Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” – as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified
Accepting singleness, whether temporary or permanent, does not hinge on speculation about answers God has not given to our list of whys, but rather on celebration of the life He has given. I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is His best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me.
Such knowledge of God must transform subsequent knowledge of self – theological readjustment is always the catalyst for renewed self-awareness. This keeps identity right-side-up with nouns and modifiers in their correct place. Am I a Christian single or am I a single Christian? The discrepancy in grammatical construction may be somewhat subtle, but the difference in mindset is profound. Which word is determinative and which is descriptive? You see, we singles are chronic amnesiacs – we forget who we are, we forget whose we are. I am a single Christian. My identity is not found in my marital status but in my redemptive status. I’m one of the “haves,” not one of the “have-nots.”
Have you ever wondered at what age one is officially single? Perhaps a sliding scale is in order: 38 for a Wall Street tycoon; 21 for a Mississippi sorority girl; 14 for a Zulu princess; and five years older than I am for me. It is a relevant question because at some point we see ourselves as “single,” and that point is a place of greater danger than despair. Singleness can be a mere euphemism for self-absorption: now is the “you time.” No wife to support? No husband to pamper? Well then, by all means join three different golf courses, get a weekly pedicure, raise emus, subscribe to People.
Singleness is never carte blanche for selfishness. A spouse is not a sufficient countermeasure for self. The gospel is the only antidote for egocentricity. Christ did not come simply to save us from our sins, He came to save us from ourselves. And He most often rescues us from us through relationships, all kinds of relationships. “Are you seeing anyone special?” a young matron in my home church asked patronizingly. “Sure,” I smiled. “I see you and you’re special.”
OK, my sentiment was a little less than kind, but the message is true. To be single is not to be alone. If someone asks if you are in a relationship right now, your immediate response should be that you are in dozens. Our range of relational options is not limited to getting married or to living in the sound-proof, isolated booth of Miss America pageants. Christian growth mandates relational richness.
The only time folks talk about human covenants is in premarital counseling. How anemic. If our God is a covenantal God, than all of our relationships are covenantal. The gospel is not about how much I love God (I typically love Him very little); it is about how much God loves me. My relationships are not about how much friends should love me, they are about how much I get to love them. No single should ever expect relational impoverishment by virtue of being single. We should covenant to love people – to initiate, to serve, to commit.
Many of my Vanderbilt girls have been reading Lady in Waiting, a popular book for Christian women struggling with singleness. That’s all fine and dandy, but what about a subtitle: And Meanwhile, Lady, Get Working. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to require less of me in my relationships than He does of the mother of four whose office is next door. Obedience knows no ages or stages.
Let’s face it: singleness is not an inherently inferior state of affairs. If it were, heaven would be inferior to this world for the majority of Christians.
But I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in the next couple years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will but His be done. Until then I am claiming as my theme verse, “If any man would come after me, let him…”
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Singleness Defined
Friday, May 18, 2007
Stewardship
Okay, this is my second attempt at this blog. The first attempt ended in my computer malfunctioning, my nearly completed blog deleting, and the hairs on my head vanishing! And since most of this stuff I write is simply off the cuff... it will be a stretch to enter back into profound-mode. Some verbage is sure to be lost along the way, but hopefully I can recall the good stuff.
I'll start with all the Lord has been teaching me, albeit my own stubbornness makes me thick skulled at times.
I am beginning to grasp and feel the weight of responsibility that I have been given as a Steward. I feel as if my eyes are being opened to the big wide world outside of my comfortable American bubble, and to shut them now would be blatantly disobedient. I was disobedient before but I was ignorant in my disobedience. How I thought all of the scripture references to money and stewardship didn't apply to me, is now beyond me and it just goes to show how shallow my relationship was with my Savior. I was content with my designer labels & comfort purchases, not realizing that my life was slowly beginning to look alot more like the standards set by this world. Somehow I seemed to justify in my mind that how I spent my money was disconnected from my relationship with the Lord and the only time the two overlapped was the occasional 10% I'd throw in the offering box to alleviate any feelings of guilt about the other 90%.
With fresh perspective, I watch my fellow Dallasites flock to the mothership (aka: Northpark Mall) on Designer missions, and a sense of anger wells in me. But how can I look with judgement on those that seek the things I did not too long ago? May I look with pity instead, because I know the difference now and by Grace I've been saved from that hamster-wheel of lies that keeps me blinded in narcissism and dulls my senses to the majority that do not live as I do.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Inconvenience
On another note: I have been having such intense moments, even days, of clarity lately that I often feel my skin cannot contain me or that my words will not do justice. It's those moments of 'enlightenment' or whatever you want to call them that you wonder how you ever lived so naively before.
I began researching Fair Trade coffee (I'll be writing about that soon) as we start up Pearl Bridge (the coffee co. I'm helping start here in Dallas). The more I learn, the more convicted I become of the injustice & unrest that goes on around the world that we (especially Americans) do not even take the time to concern ourselves with.
With information on any topic we could conjure up at our fingertips, we waste these precious moments we have been given google-ing 'Designer Jeans' or 'Hollywood Gossip' or 'Investment Portfolios'. Just start typing and see what all the auto-text on your computer has saved from your past searches.
We seem more concerned with making our lives comfortable than helping to make others lives live-able. We get annoyed with the 'Donate to a Child' commercials that interrupt our re-run episode of Friends (which we've already seen 4 times). Our favorite team is playing and our attention diverts during these same commercials but quickly resumes when we see uniforms running across the field.
And perhaps the annoyance or the passivity result b/c our comfort zone is challenged with a brief moment of reality... but even beyond that, I think it is our globally-ignorant minds that have our hearts untrained in our responses to them. When we are confronted with the evils that comprise so many people's daily realities, we either don't know how to respond so we don't -or- our responses are laced with sarcasm to make light of the horror -or- we justify-away the surfacing emotions with a million excuses of why our lives do not intersect with theirs –or- we actually feel brief compassion & maybe even throw a few bucks at the organizations boldly fighting for these "poor people." But we don't dare take initiative to learn more than what we are spoon-fed… that would require something of us.
One of my favorite scenes from Amazing Grace (and for those who have read any recent blogs of mine... YES... I am AGAIN going to pull from this stellar movie) is the scene when William Wilberforce is seeking advice from John Newton (a slave-trader turned preacher who wrote the song Amazing Grace). William is debating whether to bring a bill before Parliament that will call for the abolition of the slave trade, which was an inhumane and deadly practice. John, having once been the captain of a slave trade ship over 20 years prior, still did not have strength enough to discuss the shame of his past with William. But what he did say as William questioned him about the slave trade was poignant and relevant to what I feel like the Lord has been showing me lately. He told William... "Do it! Pull their filthy ships out of the water" And then he warned him: "But you won't remain clean. You'll get filthy with it. You'll dream it. You'll see it in broad daylight...."(BTW: this is probably not verbatim)
Not that we are all called to be political activists, but I guess the point here and what I feel like the Lord has been showing me lately is three-fold:
Faith is manifested in action
Silence in the face of sin is sin
The ‘American Dream’ is a false reality we have created to isolate ourselves from the other 95% of the global population. I have a choice to remain ignorant inside the bubble or bust the bubble and engage my heart in a hurting world.
All this to say that I feel like the Lord has been whispering in my ear "Simplify". I don't need all this stuff and I sure don't want my life to play out like the final scene in Schindler's List. If you haven't seen it... go see it and do yourself a favor to learn a little bit more about one of the most gruesome events in history. Schindler was an affluent German that towards the end of the Holocaust began to open his eyes to the brutality going on around him which prompted him to buy the liberation of Jews one by one. He was responsible for the liberation of over 1100 Jews and today his name is remembered. But in the final scene of Schindler's List, Schindler is weeping thinking of who else he could have saved as he talks with a Jewish friend:
Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.
Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...
Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough!
Itzhak Stern: You did so much. [Schindler looks at his car]
Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people. [removing Nazi pin from lapel]
Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this. [sobbing]
Oskar Schindler: I could have gotten one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't!
Schindler finally realized what I hope to increasingly live by: when you give away your life you find it! This is no revolutionary statement; God has been whispering it to us through His Word for centuries if we will just listen.
“If you cling to your life you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me you will find it.” Matthew 10:38-40
But we do a good job of convincing ourselves that we need the Highland Park zip code… that we need the upgraded car… or the designer labels… or the clothes for our pet… or for our kids to play on the best (not to mention most expensive) select sports teams… that we need a vacation splurge b/c we deserve it… or that we need extra square footage… the list goes on; simply add to it the last thing you were convinced you couldn’t live without that didn’t affect your overall health or well-being whatsoever. And even for those of us who recognize all this stuff in our lives as wants not needs, we still justify them by the standard set by the world. But we are nomads here… called to be in the world and not of the world. Too often though our lives look no different from those that call this Home. We should not get too comfortable here, for this is not our destination.
There is nothing wrong with this stuff we are immersed in. As the Word says it is not money that is the root of all evil, it is the love of money that is the root of all evil. It is not a sin to buy a new Hummer for your recently graduated teen, or to buy your pet poodle clothes for every holiday, or to get French manicures each week. When our focus is merely on eliminating stuff from our lives we have slowly become a Pharisee, a slave to the Law once more. But Christ came & with His death freed us from the Law… He unchained our yoke of slavery & released our hearts to soar underneath the wings of His grace. So we are free now… and what should we do we do with our freedom? We have seemed to take on the mentality that our freedom is ours to do with what we want. And because our culture perpetuates this belief, we are not challenged to think otherwise.
I have often wondered what it is about Christians overseas that enable them to “get it” in a way that we often don’t over here. A young man who recently converted to Christianity in Palestine, which is predominately Muslim, understands with clarity the weight of the freedom He has been given in Christ. As Christ encouraged His disciples, this Palestinian man ‘counted the cost.’ I’m sure he did not passively make the decision to follow Christ. He knew for him this would mean family disownment, social isolation, persecution, imprisonment, poverty, and possibly death. It was not a flippant decision. Not one made to simply secure his spot in Heaven but one made that required ALL of him… daily. Especially here in the good ole Bible Belt of America, Christ’s sacrifice has been watered down to merely represent a ticket to Heaven. We do not ‘count the cost’ b/c there is really no cost required. Christ came to set us free and so that freedom means we go about life as usual and oh, now we’re going to Heaven (insert sarcasm)!!! We have been given a gift and rather than give of it to others, we keep it for ourselves. Try explaining this to the Palestinian who now suffers daily for his decision. He would marvel that this goes on and he would probably think it is a rare occurrence. Little does he know that it is indeed a tragic plague, not simply an isolated occurrence.
The Palestinian would probably be sad to know that Jesus plays only a small role in our lives… b/c to him, Jesus is EVERYTHING. Jesus was meant to be more than a name tag, but we consistently miss out on “life to the full” b/c our t-shirts are graced with His name, but our lives look nothing like Him. We turn to the more visible things of our culture to define us and it becomes harder and harder to see Him in our reflection.
I write this not to evoke any feelings of guilt... but definitely feelings of conviction. For guilt drags us further away from God's plan. But conviction is a precursor to action! May our hearts be pricked now so that we do not stand before the Judgment Seat one day and feel like Oskar Schindler. God doesn't give so that we can make our lives more comfortable. If we have been blessed, it is our responsibility to bless others out of that we’ve been stewarded…not hoard it for our own selfish advancement or personal comfort. But it seems the more we have, the more we think it is ours to do with what we please.
May we feel the weight of responsibility we’ve been given and live lives that are poured out offerings. May this living water not become a lake in our lives but a river… and may we discover the blessedness and the fullness that He intended us to experience as the waters flow out not just in.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Judgment Seat of Christ
2.11.2007
How do I reconcile the emotions that flood me right now with the realities that I am facing? Confronted with a raw illustration of the Judgment Seat this morning was the last thing I thought I’d encounter today but it must be timely. Though it feels like I was just punched in the stomach without warning, there must be a reason for it and I wanna explore the emotions & thoughts this left me dealing with today. How can the most important test, the only test that matters, be so easily overlooked in my life? How can I be so deluded by stuff that I miss the importance of each moment, each breath I’ve been given? How can I get distracted so easily that my focus is not on what IS but on what is fleeting? How can I pass people every day without a second concern as to their spiritual state? How can the moments that comprise my days be filled with selfish ambition that will amount to nothing I have to lay at Your feet? How can the mirror dictate my attitude and my decisions as opposed to the gifts, talents, identity, and LIFE I’ve been given by Your Son? How can this Truth which is eternal and piercing get watered-down by mere man? How can the sin that You were nailed to the Cross for get to a point in our society where it is justified and even glorified? How can the Power in Your name and in Your life be exchanged for false gods that offer no sense of hope, purpose, or fulfillment that is lasting? How can I hold tightly to unforgiveness and bitterness and resentment that You already said is YOURS to judge? How can I allow myself to be deceived into thinking that I have any control when One day I will understand fully that everything is of You and through You and by You and for You?
The list of questions could go on but the question I guess that sums them all up this morning is what am I going to do with the reality of the Judgment Seat? In light of one day facing my Savior and getting the chance to hear ‘Well Done my Good and Faithful Servant!’ what is my life going to look like? What needs to change? What are tangible steps I need to take and wait no longer?
Sometimes I just wanna wave bon voyage to America and all the stuff that is so distracting and sail off to some remote village in Africa where life seems simpler and there is less to distract me from my purpose here on earth. But America is where I find myself… surrounded by some of the best-looking, best-dressed, best-educated, most wealthy, most comfortable, most famous people in the world. With access to pretty much anything in this capitalistic country of ours, we grasp for pretty much EVERYTHING and are left with pretty much NOTHING (on the inside). We are shells of people walking around, and not that in other countries this is not the case, but I guess the difference is that we don’t know it. Our shell looks prettier and smells nicer than the shells in Africa… but when opened the inside is just as dead & rotting. As Jesus put it, we are white-washed tombs. We would be better off to just expose the tombs we are… but we are deceived just because our tombs look nice on the outside & just because our pleasure-seeking environment keeps us comfortable and temporarily satiated.
So today as I wrestle through all these questions & observations, a part of me just wants to throw up my hands & find the next one-way ticket to Africa. But that’s not reality and You have me here… in Dallas, Texas. I want to be faithful where I am at and I can already see Your purposes for me here unfolding… with Student Ministries, with Pearl Bridge, with my parents, with everyone I’m living life with here and the community You have blessed me with through Watermark. To up and leave would not only be the easy way out, it would be disobedient to what You have placed before me.
And regardless of where I am, I want to bring glory to Your name so that one day I might hear those sweet words ‘Well done my good and faithful servant!’ I want to live in light of Your Judgment Seat and the coliseum that has a seat reserved with my name carved into it. Because one day I will find myself sitting there awaiting my name to be called. I don’t want that day to be filled with fear and trembling but in excitement to meet You and to lay at Your feet the crowns, the jewels, the treasures I have stored up while here.
Burn away the dross Lord, so that what remains in me is You, so that what I have to give is You, so that what I seek is You, so that what others see is You, so that what I am living for is You. Help me to increasingly make choices that allow Your Refining Fire to have full reign over my heart. And as You have more access to my heart… may Your light grow in brightness through my life.
COFFEE SHOP DREAM
I was looking back at my journal today and I'm amazed at what the Lord has weaved together over just the last few months. I originally wrote this back in October. It is now March and since then Pearl Bridge Coffee Co. is well under way. I would have never thought that this dream I set out to pursue in October would be the reality that it is today. What was once a tangly mess of mismatched threads is now being woven together in a tapestry that is unfolding before my eyes. May the Lord do great things with our coffee company & may we be pioneers in our industry!
10.30.2006
WOW…where to start?!!! My skin is the only thing keeping me from going a million directions right now. I feel like “Jo Jo the idiot circus boy w/ a pretty new pet.” As I drove away from the meeting I just had w/ Barry & Parker, though I was tempted to call ALL close friends & blab my excitement, instead I blasted “Jump For My Love” & had a private little dance party along Preston Rd. All I could do was praise You w/ dance. Tonight was more confirmation that the whole coffee shop venture might really be happening. I can see Your fingerprints all over this & You continue to bring people in my life that have the same heart/ vision that I do. There are so many people who have been weaved into my life recently with regards to the coffee shop dream, that appear to be “random” but appearance is deceiving. Nothing is just random with You.. all is wonderfully & beautifully orchestrated. We see the pieces of fabric… You see the tapestry. And so, while the pieces of fabric seem to be coming together in my eyes… I want to continue to trust what only Your eyes can see. I can plan all day long, but You determine my steps. I don’t want to plan in futility & in selfish motivation… I want to plan & goal-set in a way that invites You in… acknowledges Your bigger plan in the midst of it all.
10.31.06
… (continued b/c I fell asleep typing)…
I want to humbly pursue this opportunity ahead, realizing each step of the way that You guide my feet and it is from Your hand, not my spectacular entrepreneurial abilities (sarcasm), that I have been blessed with this opportunity. I have seen a lot of my pride surface lately and I think its so ugly. O, Lord I want to pursue this with passion & humility. I saw that in Barry last night and it challenged me. Hearing of his resume of business experience, I know that he is a wealth of wisdom & knowledge in the business world, yet he did not use big words to impress or assume a role of significance above Parker & I (though he very well could comparatively, given his age and experience). He has a sensitive heart to You & sees this as a great opportunity to do something he is passionate about. All that to say, he really set a precedent for how I want my attitude to be right now. And if my heart is not centered on You daily, that will be impossible. Oh, Lord break my pride… show me how to lay it down… moment to moment.
I lift up this team of guys as they finalize the initial business plan. I pray that they would be attuned to You and allow Your spirit to lead. I pray that Your heart for Your people would be evident throughout this whole process… that we would love each other well and work in a way that brings glory to You. Oh, Lord I pray that our coffee shop would be a beacon in this dark world. A place of rest & peace in the midst of the chaos that surrounds. A place that is relevant to our culture yet offering a hope beyond it. A place where the staff is not bogged down by duty & corporate bureaucracy but has the freedom to engage with each other & with customers on a personal level. A place where fellowship is the cornerstone and where people are sharpened & encouraged. A place where uniqueness & individualism is supported & promoted through our product, our people, and our atmosphere. A place of quality products that not only benefit our customers but also establish credibility & innovation in our industry. A place where Christ is the heartbeat that results in the pulse of every facet of the business. Where You are the source of Life to all branches of the business.
O, Lord this is my heart… guide what may come of it.
GIRLS ARE LIKE APPLES
----------- are like apples -----------
------ on trees. The best ones ------
----- are at the top of the tree. ------
-- The boys don't want to reach ---
-- for the good ones because they --
- are afraid of falling and getting hurt. -
- Instead, they get the rotten apples -
- from the ground that aren't as good -
- but easy. So the apples up top think -
- something is wrong with them when, in -
-- reality, they're amazing. They just --
--- have to wait for the right boy to ---
---- come along, the one who's ----
----------- brave enough to -------------
------------- climb all -------------
------------- the way -------------
------------ to the top ------------
----------- of the tree. -----------
YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
GENESIS 33
Tears flooded my eyes as I read this passage today. What a mental picture of forgiveness & grace this passage is!!! And how continually I need to be reminded of these core characteristics of my God. The Noona film this past Friday coupled with the Journey readings this week have really reminded me of God’s faithfulness to me and His unconditional, gentle, and grace-filled love towards me. In essence… His father-heart. It’s hard for me to really grasp this aspect of Him… but I so desperately want to and I can see where He has slowly been showing me this aspect of Himself. I trust that He longs to reveal Himself to me WAY more than I will ever want to know Him. Sad… but true!
So, at last, today we see Esau and Jacob reunite. It has been a good 20 + years since they last saw eachother and in the meantime it becomes apparent that Esau has chosen to forgive Jacob. What character we see shine through in Esau’s life… all those years of steadfast faith have paid off… he now gets to experience a restored relationship with his brother and share in the blessings God brought Jacob’s way.
I love that the men wept at their reunion. What vulnerability… what love… what a picture of God when we return to Him. He, like Esau, doesn’t punish us as we deserve… He receives us back with weeping. As Jacob comes over the ridge to meet Esau, filled with fear and the knowledge of the punishment he deserves, he bows low to the ground several times. Whether this was in fear or in repentance or a combination of both, what he receives from Esau is clearly not what he was expecting.
As I come over the ridge of my life, the difference is that I know what character to expect when I meet God. He is unchanging. But too often I shrink in fear and miss out on the full blessedness of receiving His grace. I want to be able to boldly, yet humbly approach the throne of Grace each time I have sinned. I think all too often an unhealthy view of the Lord keeps me from repentance. When I am confident in HIS character, my focus is less on my own abilities, failures, successes, strength, etc. I am less crushed with guilt when I do mess up and I am more quick to repent, change, and live honestly with others when my confidence is in His character!
